Continuing on with the theme of change, I want to use this rare moment of vulnerability to speak out about this difficult yet wonderful time in my life.
As I stated in my previous post, I turned 25 not too long ago. I know some people will think "big deal", but in all actuality it is a big deal. The world we live in is ridiculous and I honestly feel like one of those days its going to implode, so any additional years of life on this Earth I am thankful for. Most of the changes I am experiencing are of the emotional variety. I feel myself maturing and not seeing things through such a narrow lens. I am embracing my sexuality more and more, and feeling confident in my orientation. There are things that I NEED for my life that I am now able to demand because of how hard I have worked to get here.
With that being said, the theme for this post is "Knowing your Worth". In my younger years I had a huge problem with self-esteem. I felt that I was never good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, talented enough, and more importantly I never thought I was worth a damn penny. I struggled through high school with personal identity, and even with all the academic achievements that I accomplished I still felt that I had nothing to offer this world. As I got older, and I started making an identity for myself, I got a chance somewhere down the line to assess my life. With that assessment I realized that I have to stop comparing my life to worldly standards, and when I stopped assessing my life through that scope I realized that I have done ALOT. With me doing ALOT I had to also realize that there are things in this life that I need in order to "reach the pinnacles I plan to reach".
Self-Worth. What helped me find mine was through self-evaluation. As human beings we tend to get so caught up and the things we see, and what everyone else is doing that we rarely get an opportunity to acknowledge and commend ourselves. I had to learn to become my own cheerleader, because in the grand scheme of things we have no guarantees that other people are going to give us what we need. We have to be our own support system. Friends, family, and significant others can only extend themselves but so much without neglecting themselves, and at the end of the day those people should be secondary supports. We need to be firm within ourselves and AFFIRM that we are good enough. I know this is a difficult task, but it can start out with something as simple as making a list of our accomplishments whether big or small. Once you've written those accomplishments out, do something to celebrate them. Make this an ongoing trend of success followed by celebration, and you will find in a short time that your esteem will be that much higher. Other people will begin to notice it to. Try it and see what happens.
~Stanz A. Lone
Friday, September 21, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Starting Over
I haven't been able to blog for a while, and I have been missing it. There has been a lot going on and I guess I wanted to sum up what has been transpiring with me over these past few weeks.
I just celebrated my 25th birthday, and in my eyes I had just figured it to be another birthday. On top of that I am starting a new Master's program, and trying to make strides to further myself in the workplace. I'm not sure if everyone else went through this once they turned 25, but I woke up a few days ago and I felt very different on the inside. The way I saw things, the way I felt about people, it all began to change. For lack of a better gay illustration, I felt like a caterpillar that was going through metamorphosis and now I have finally become a butterfly. I'm exciting and nervous at the same time because I don't know what any of this means. I have completely reconstructed my life, and I don't know what to be prepared for. I have been greatly enjoying the experiences that I've endured since my 25th birthday, and I am interested for whats in store.
Unfortunately, with this change means that I had to let go of certain things. Some of these things have been a part of my life for a good while, and even though these things were precious, I needed to make some decisions in order to fully embrace this change.
This is what I wanted to address with this particular blog, embracing the unknown. Sometimes in life there are opportunities that present themselves. They might not always be as obvious as we would like them to be, but they are there nonetheless. Sometimes these opportunities lead us to something better, sometimes just to something different, but isn't life about growing and changing and experiencing new things? Isn't life about finding what it is that is best for you and about finding what makes you happy? The hard thing to do is to embrace opportunities when we have been comfortable in a certain position for so long. We've worked at a job for 5 years and it's ok, but we're too afraid to find something else because it MIGHT not be better. Sometimes it's worth the risk. As individuals we need to rise to the challenges of life, not back away from them because it may hurt.
When I turned 25 and I started feeling like I did, yes it would have been easier to ignore what was going on inside me and stick to the regularly scheduled program, but what I could have given up would have killed me later on in life.
Sometimes the best thing when you feel like you've done all that you can do is START OVER, and that is what I have decided to do.
I just celebrated my 25th birthday, and in my eyes I had just figured it to be another birthday. On top of that I am starting a new Master's program, and trying to make strides to further myself in the workplace. I'm not sure if everyone else went through this once they turned 25, but I woke up a few days ago and I felt very different on the inside. The way I saw things, the way I felt about people, it all began to change. For lack of a better gay illustration, I felt like a caterpillar that was going through metamorphosis and now I have finally become a butterfly. I'm exciting and nervous at the same time because I don't know what any of this means. I have completely reconstructed my life, and I don't know what to be prepared for. I have been greatly enjoying the experiences that I've endured since my 25th birthday, and I am interested for whats in store.
Unfortunately, with this change means that I had to let go of certain things. Some of these things have been a part of my life for a good while, and even though these things were precious, I needed to make some decisions in order to fully embrace this change.
This is what I wanted to address with this particular blog, embracing the unknown. Sometimes in life there are opportunities that present themselves. They might not always be as obvious as we would like them to be, but they are there nonetheless. Sometimes these opportunities lead us to something better, sometimes just to something different, but isn't life about growing and changing and experiencing new things? Isn't life about finding what it is that is best for you and about finding what makes you happy? The hard thing to do is to embrace opportunities when we have been comfortable in a certain position for so long. We've worked at a job for 5 years and it's ok, but we're too afraid to find something else because it MIGHT not be better. Sometimes it's worth the risk. As individuals we need to rise to the challenges of life, not back away from them because it may hurt.
When I turned 25 and I started feeling like I did, yes it would have been easier to ignore what was going on inside me and stick to the regularly scheduled program, but what I could have given up would have killed me later on in life.
Sometimes the best thing when you feel like you've done all that you can do is START OVER, and that is what I have decided to do.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Run For Shade
This weekend I had the opportunity to visit Fire Island in New York. This is an island that is known for being gay (not the island itself but the people on it). There was this event there called "Blackout" which is more or less a pride event. I wanted to take the time to touch on my anxiety at events such as these, or any other gay setting.
I've been gay my whole life (whether I admitted it or not), I pretty much was out in high school. I told my mom about 2 years ago. So all these years I've been out, and not once have i felt a sense of acceptance in the gay community. I pride myself on being fun-loving, kind-hearted, and a good friend, however I feel like the gay community is not receptive to this. Being in this culture, in my opinion, you have to be superficial and cold to make it. The gays are very judgemental and will eat you alive if you are not prepared. In this community your not allowed to be unattractive, honest, have bad style, and in some cases your not allowed to have a mind of your own. Every time I walk into a gay setting I automatically begin to critique myself "Is my hair ok?" "Do I have stains on my clothes or teeth?" "Do I look good?" This saddens me, especially in a time where gay rights have gotten a lot stronger.
You know what, let me rephrase this. It isn't all of gay culture, it is more so BLACK gay culture.
Black gay America is cruel. If your lucky enough to find sincere people to hang with, you have to be careful because people can AND WILL try to come between you. Relationships aren't safe either, because there is ALWAYS someone that wants what you have. Some will smile in your face and claim to be your comrade, but really their trying to take your man.
In this culture love is so hard to come by. Everyone is guarding. Most will not tell you the truth about who they are (mostly because they don't know who they are either). There is a GREAT deal of infidelity that occurs, whether is at the forefront and consensual from both individuals in the relationship, or kept in secret and done behind closed doors.
Honestly as I'm writing this I'm wondering why I'm still gay.
It's is extremely difficult for me to communicate with other gay men. The conversation almost always veers towards celebrities, fashion, music (which is actually ok for me), or talking badly about someone who isn't in the room. And a lot of times, even if this isn't the kind of person you are, you would still have to engage in these conversations if your choosing to associate with black gay men.
I have been fortunate enough in my life, to meet and know gay people that break the mold. I have been lucky enough to find love twice in my life (but not without its turbulence). However, the road to this point has not been easy. We receive mass amounts of scrutiny and rejection from the world at large, only to receive more from the folks we identify with.
I really hope that the gays can get it together and get over themselves, because there is a new generation that is coming and trust me they are worse then the ones already on the scene. But that ends my rant, so until next time........
~Stanz A. Lone
I've been gay my whole life (whether I admitted it or not), I pretty much was out in high school. I told my mom about 2 years ago. So all these years I've been out, and not once have i felt a sense of acceptance in the gay community. I pride myself on being fun-loving, kind-hearted, and a good friend, however I feel like the gay community is not receptive to this. Being in this culture, in my opinion, you have to be superficial and cold to make it. The gays are very judgemental and will eat you alive if you are not prepared. In this community your not allowed to be unattractive, honest, have bad style, and in some cases your not allowed to have a mind of your own. Every time I walk into a gay setting I automatically begin to critique myself "Is my hair ok?" "Do I have stains on my clothes or teeth?" "Do I look good?" This saddens me, especially in a time where gay rights have gotten a lot stronger.
You know what, let me rephrase this. It isn't all of gay culture, it is more so BLACK gay culture.
Black gay America is cruel. If your lucky enough to find sincere people to hang with, you have to be careful because people can AND WILL try to come between you. Relationships aren't safe either, because there is ALWAYS someone that wants what you have. Some will smile in your face and claim to be your comrade, but really their trying to take your man.
In this culture love is so hard to come by. Everyone is guarding. Most will not tell you the truth about who they are (mostly because they don't know who they are either). There is a GREAT deal of infidelity that occurs, whether is at the forefront and consensual from both individuals in the relationship, or kept in secret and done behind closed doors.
Honestly as I'm writing this I'm wondering why I'm still gay.
It's is extremely difficult for me to communicate with other gay men. The conversation almost always veers towards celebrities, fashion, music (which is actually ok for me), or talking badly about someone who isn't in the room. And a lot of times, even if this isn't the kind of person you are, you would still have to engage in these conversations if your choosing to associate with black gay men.
I have been fortunate enough in my life, to meet and know gay people that break the mold. I have been lucky enough to find love twice in my life (but not without its turbulence). However, the road to this point has not been easy. We receive mass amounts of scrutiny and rejection from the world at large, only to receive more from the folks we identify with.
I really hope that the gays can get it together and get over themselves, because there is a new generation that is coming and trust me they are worse then the ones already on the scene. But that ends my rant, so until next time........
~Stanz A. Lone
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friends Vs..........
How many of us have them?...........
That song is always hilarious to me, but not cause of how simplistic the vocals were. The song is so TRUE. In the grand scheme of things, when we have multiple individuals in our personal space holding the title of "friend", one has to wonder does every single person I converse with need the title of friend. Quality over quantity is the best motto. There's a saying about friends that I've seen which stated "I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies".
I struggle with the concept of friends and who to trust. For as long as I can remember I've gone through this cycle of meeting new faces, getting acquainted with said new faces, and falling out with the new faces. I've never been good in group dynamics or "cliques" as they are usually called. I enjoy meeting new people. I enjoy interacting with new minds, but I don't enjoy every personality as it develops. With groups it's hard to separate the real from the fake. I feel like in groups there is more at stake to lose if your genuine self is undesirable, so there is more of an effort to save face. I also feel like in groups that there is more room for tension and conflict and less room for rationale. Sometimes people get into these "cliques" or small social groups and develop personalities and beliefs based off the group and not off their own experiences. There may be a fear of speaking up if one disagrees with the group or one of the members, so it is found easier to just be quiet and do what everyone else is doing..........I have never been the one for any of that.
As for individual encounters, I am a little more relaxed. I feel more at ease that the person I am speaking with is the real them (even though there are fake folks even in closed settings). My issue with people that try to assume the role of "friend" is consistency. I find that if I am putting more effort into maintaining our relationship than you are, then I have no issue walking away from that person. If I feel as though I can only relate to you when there are drinks are other intoxicants around, then that to me is not a friend. These people are drinking buddies, club girlfriends, or party pals. I, personally, overuse the noun friend when referring to people. It makes it easier than to say this is my work associate, or this is my bar acquaintance. It just don't sound right. However, I still know who they are to me, as well as having those people that deserve tht title of friend and display that time and time again. I have defined friend into a very small box, and if people don't fit into that box then I relate to them accordingly.
The kind of people that I give the title of friend to are people that I can relate to. Either we have the same taste in music, we went to the same school, grew up in the same circumstance as myself. My friends are people I can talk to about anything (even though there are ALOT of things I keep from my friends). And even though I may not talk about EVERYTHING with them, I still want to feel like I can. My friends have to be able to accept all parts of me. I have a very easy going personality, I enjoy making people laugh, but sometimes I feel as though this behavior is EXPECTED of me. On top of being a very joyful person, I can be a very deep person, a very emotional person, and if I feel like I can't express that side of me with you then that does not warrant the title friend. Most importantly, my friends have to be individuals that have their own sets of morals and ideals. I need a friend who will tell me I'm wrong, when I look a mess, and do it without a second thought. This shows me that you are "real", you have nothing to hide, and that you are confident in yourself and the things you do. Friends like these are hard to come by.
Outside of these individuals, I do a lot of socializing. Not to say that since someone isn't your friend that they do not warrant time, but just know how to handle yourself around these other people. We have work friends, and sometimes they can share some very personal things with you. However, that does not mean that you have to do the same. At the end of the day this is the place you work and make money, so there is no real obligation to make friends. We have to get along with our co-workers (given), but it's not always the best policy to pour your heart out to these people. Who knows when you will be laid off, fired, quit, promoted, or find a new job else where. We need to realize that we cannot unspeak things, so if you get promoted and you become someone's boss those private moments you shared with co-workers can become lunch room gossip (now that your THEIR boss). It is just a safety precaution.
We all like to go out, and sometimes our friends just don't serve as the right team of people that you want to have a good time with. We have those other folks that we call when we know we want to get into something, and these people I like to call GTFs "Good-time (girl/Boy) Friends". GTF's are also a blast to be around when you make some noise in a club, at the bar, or out on the strip. However, the downside to this group is that they are only pleasant to be around during that "good-time". When bills is tight, life gets hard, a loved one loses their life, or you become unemployed, call on Jesus cause these people are not the ones you want around you.
My struggle with maintaining friends is that I am constantly expanding in thought, constantly growing in adventure, and always open to new ideas, but I find that I am very unique in that way. This is lonely for me. I go through thought processes in my head, and I would like to share them, but it can be difficult when you aren't associated with people that think like you. Even if you do have 5 close friends, they are of no use if they can't understand your feelings, or your struggle. If all my best friends are straight, and I'm gay then there is only but so far I can go with these people. They haven't dated the same sex, they haven't gone through the persecution that comes with being homosexual, their family dynamic may be different, and all these things will separate us in spite of our close bond. When I feel as though I can't connect with someone, I have a tendency to shut parts of myself off which can leave room for that inevitable falling out. I feel like I have gotten a lot better in the friend department, but it is still a hard balancing act. Who to tell let in? How far to let them in? When is the appropriate time to invite them in? It's never clear cut. I don't think it gets any easier either. I am still trying to find that balance of distance and vulnerability with my friends, as well as trying to balance sociability and mystery with the people I associate with who I would not deem "friends". It's hard, but along the way I have met and am still close with some phenomenal people. Do I wish that I was closer with them, or someone in general........SURE, but maybe that will be in store for me in the future. Until, I have to keep doing more of what I am doing.....watching people. Making sure that they are safe for me, and that I am compatible with them. I am watching people to see if they remain consistent. I am watching people to see the difference in their actions both in public and in private. I am watching people to see if their watching me. Do you see me for who I am? Does this person that I represent interest you? Do I seem like someone that fits in your world? All of these questions eventually get answered, I just have to act accordingly when they are.
~Stanz A. Lone
That song is always hilarious to me, but not cause of how simplistic the vocals were. The song is so TRUE. In the grand scheme of things, when we have multiple individuals in our personal space holding the title of "friend", one has to wonder does every single person I converse with need the title of friend. Quality over quantity is the best motto. There's a saying about friends that I've seen which stated "I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies".
I struggle with the concept of friends and who to trust. For as long as I can remember I've gone through this cycle of meeting new faces, getting acquainted with said new faces, and falling out with the new faces. I've never been good in group dynamics or "cliques" as they are usually called. I enjoy meeting new people. I enjoy interacting with new minds, but I don't enjoy every personality as it develops. With groups it's hard to separate the real from the fake. I feel like in groups there is more at stake to lose if your genuine self is undesirable, so there is more of an effort to save face. I also feel like in groups that there is more room for tension and conflict and less room for rationale. Sometimes people get into these "cliques" or small social groups and develop personalities and beliefs based off the group and not off their own experiences. There may be a fear of speaking up if one disagrees with the group or one of the members, so it is found easier to just be quiet and do what everyone else is doing..........I have never been the one for any of that.
As for individual encounters, I am a little more relaxed. I feel more at ease that the person I am speaking with is the real them (even though there are fake folks even in closed settings). My issue with people that try to assume the role of "friend" is consistency. I find that if I am putting more effort into maintaining our relationship than you are, then I have no issue walking away from that person. If I feel as though I can only relate to you when there are drinks are other intoxicants around, then that to me is not a friend. These people are drinking buddies, club girlfriends, or party pals. I, personally, overuse the noun friend when referring to people. It makes it easier than to say this is my work associate, or this is my bar acquaintance. It just don't sound right. However, I still know who they are to me, as well as having those people that deserve tht title of friend and display that time and time again. I have defined friend into a very small box, and if people don't fit into that box then I relate to them accordingly.
The kind of people that I give the title of friend to are people that I can relate to. Either we have the same taste in music, we went to the same school, grew up in the same circumstance as myself. My friends are people I can talk to about anything (even though there are ALOT of things I keep from my friends). And even though I may not talk about EVERYTHING with them, I still want to feel like I can. My friends have to be able to accept all parts of me. I have a very easy going personality, I enjoy making people laugh, but sometimes I feel as though this behavior is EXPECTED of me. On top of being a very joyful person, I can be a very deep person, a very emotional person, and if I feel like I can't express that side of me with you then that does not warrant the title friend. Most importantly, my friends have to be individuals that have their own sets of morals and ideals. I need a friend who will tell me I'm wrong, when I look a mess, and do it without a second thought. This shows me that you are "real", you have nothing to hide, and that you are confident in yourself and the things you do. Friends like these are hard to come by.
Outside of these individuals, I do a lot of socializing. Not to say that since someone isn't your friend that they do not warrant time, but just know how to handle yourself around these other people. We have work friends, and sometimes they can share some very personal things with you. However, that does not mean that you have to do the same. At the end of the day this is the place you work and make money, so there is no real obligation to make friends. We have to get along with our co-workers (given), but it's not always the best policy to pour your heart out to these people. Who knows when you will be laid off, fired, quit, promoted, or find a new job else where. We need to realize that we cannot unspeak things, so if you get promoted and you become someone's boss those private moments you shared with co-workers can become lunch room gossip (now that your THEIR boss). It is just a safety precaution.
We all like to go out, and sometimes our friends just don't serve as the right team of people that you want to have a good time with. We have those other folks that we call when we know we want to get into something, and these people I like to call GTFs "Good-time (girl/Boy) Friends". GTF's are also a blast to be around when you make some noise in a club, at the bar, or out on the strip. However, the downside to this group is that they are only pleasant to be around during that "good-time". When bills is tight, life gets hard, a loved one loses their life, or you become unemployed, call on Jesus cause these people are not the ones you want around you.
My struggle with maintaining friends is that I am constantly expanding in thought, constantly growing in adventure, and always open to new ideas, but I find that I am very unique in that way. This is lonely for me. I go through thought processes in my head, and I would like to share them, but it can be difficult when you aren't associated with people that think like you. Even if you do have 5 close friends, they are of no use if they can't understand your feelings, or your struggle. If all my best friends are straight, and I'm gay then there is only but so far I can go with these people. They haven't dated the same sex, they haven't gone through the persecution that comes with being homosexual, their family dynamic may be different, and all these things will separate us in spite of our close bond. When I feel as though I can't connect with someone, I have a tendency to shut parts of myself off which can leave room for that inevitable falling out. I feel like I have gotten a lot better in the friend department, but it is still a hard balancing act. Who to tell let in? How far to let them in? When is the appropriate time to invite them in? It's never clear cut. I don't think it gets any easier either. I am still trying to find that balance of distance and vulnerability with my friends, as well as trying to balance sociability and mystery with the people I associate with who I would not deem "friends". It's hard, but along the way I have met and am still close with some phenomenal people. Do I wish that I was closer with them, or someone in general........SURE, but maybe that will be in store for me in the future. Until, I have to keep doing more of what I am doing.....watching people. Making sure that they are safe for me, and that I am compatible with them. I am watching people to see if they remain consistent. I am watching people to see the difference in their actions both in public and in private. I am watching people to see if their watching me. Do you see me for who I am? Does this person that I represent interest you? Do I seem like someone that fits in your world? All of these questions eventually get answered, I just have to act accordingly when they are.
~Stanz A. Lone
Monday, August 6, 2012
The Hardest Thing.......
.......in this world is to live in it.
I took this quote from one of my favorite television series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now bare with me through this reference. Buffy is this teenager girl who is given supernatural abilities from the "Powers That Be" in order to kill demons, vampires, and the like. Buffy saves the world countless amounts of times, only to be faced with the decision of saving the world (ONCE AGAIN) by taking her own life, or let it stay in the same "Damned" place that it was currently in. She decides to take her own life to save the world but leaves a message with her sister that simply said "The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it." That quote was one of the most true ringing statements that I had ever heard.
Today has made me recall this phrase alot. We live in a world today, where you feel like no where is safe, and you feel like you can trust no one. A world where, just when you feel like you've taken 2 steps forward, your taking 5 steps back. I will be 25 years old in less than a month, and I have been going through these motions of getting older. I have been confronted with a large number of scenarios I haven't had to face before, being it social conflict, professional conflict, health, love, etc. All which have been seemingly difficult to navigate. I have no focal point of who I can base my adult actions off of. When I was child I responded to things like other children did, however that does not work in the adult world. The majority of the people I see are like aliens to me. I don't want to have any parts in any of the things their doing.
So with all that being stated, I began to wonder if there were other people out there who have issues navigating through the map of life. I felt the need to share some of my experiences in a broad sense, and maybe this may help someone else who may be enduring something that they never had to before. When it comes to conflict with other people, in my younger days, I would avoid it like the plague. I never wanted to disagree with people, and I damn sure didn't want to be dislike. However, as I grew I realized that conflict is nothing to fear. Conflict is healthy and in some instances necessary for human interaction. I am not speaking about going out and seeking conflict, but more so on the note of asserting one's self or being firm in a belief. Society would never have progressed had there not been a conflict between two or more people. Conflict is how people's voices are heard, how freedoms are received, how awards are given. There is nothing to run from when it comes to conflict.(Given that there are ways to handle different kinds of conflict) There are some people that you will run into who have nothing to lose, and they can taint conflict into what I hate which is violence. These situations need a little wisdom when addressing them. If you find that none of your words are getting through to someone, there is nothing wrong with appeasing people for the sake of saving your own life. Outside of those instances there are some important steps that need to be taken:
1. Know exactly what the conflict is about. Nothing is more embarrassing then arguing or debating with someone and you have no knowledge of the subject or situation. There is nothing wrong with not knowing are being ignorant to something, but if we find ourselves in this situation then we need to humble ourselves first and get more information.
2. Be firm in your stance. If this particular conflict is something that you feel passionate about and you have all the facts, then be firm with your statements. Let the other person know with your body language and tone of voice that you mean business. It can be scary but people will respect you for it, because you never know who may be in earshot and has never thought about the situation your way before.
3. Know when to back down. In conflicts sometimes both parties get so passionate that even when rationale is introduced to disprove one side, we can't let it go. Just as I said people will respect you for being firm, they will also respect you when you admit defeat. None of us are God, so we will not know everything, but it's what we do with that lack of knowledge that matters.
Now that I have gotten older, I realize that I tend to put too much on myself. I tend to have too many expectations and not enough results, and a lot of times this frustrates me. This happens in life, especially if you have a proactive personality like I do. There is always something to do, always somewhere to go, always someone to see. In this world, we need to be a tad bit more selfish and lax in matters of life. Take "me" time, and find out the different things that you like to do, and not always focus on the things you "have" to do. Even if it is outside of your financial means or comfort zone. Just like you would make a plan of execution for your needs, do the same for your wants. Plan a vacation, or a sky diving trip, or a cruise, or just a day of nudity around the home. Take those "self" breaks so that way when you come back to your needs you can be energized, and more readily focused on what needs to get done.
I am also the kind of person that HATES to rely on other people. I don't like planning things with other people, I don't like going places with people if I am not in control of the method of transportation, I just don't like it. Thinking this way can be harmful. At one point or another in our lives, we will have to call on someone else. Life can be overwhelming, more than just one person can handle, so we need to identify those that we can trust in our lives and really tend to those relationships. It isn't that you have ulterior motives, but in life sometimes you need a helping hand and why not have that come from someone you trust. We didn't come into this world on our own, and at the end of the day we HAVE to rely on people in some way shape or form. You have to rely on your boss to cut your check every two weeks, you have to rely on the deli to make your sandwich the way you like it, you have to rely your bank to have your funds available after deposit......maybe those weren't the best examples, but you get it. None of us are superman, and if you read the comics or seen the cartoon you'd know even Superman had to call in the Justice League when shit got real.
The final thing that has helped me get through some of life's turmoil is to just be open. Be open-minded, be open with yourself, and be open to others. We get older and we learn, we analyze, and we store all these things in us. We have to learn that there is no upper age that we stop growing whether it be physical or psychological. No one benefits from keeping everything inside. We can't ignore or close ourselves off to change or things that are different. That is one of the more beautiful and most enjoyable things about life is that there is so much we will encounter. So many new opinions to hear, so many lives that we come into contact with. We shouldn't see these interactions as burdens, but as an opportunity to expand and grow within ourselves. We can't be hard and stiff for the rest of our lives. Putting it into perspective, it takes a lot more work to stay in the same exact place, than it is to go with the flow and move forward. Think about it.........
~Stanz A. Lone
I took this quote from one of my favorite television series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now bare with me through this reference. Buffy is this teenager girl who is given supernatural abilities from the "Powers That Be" in order to kill demons, vampires, and the like. Buffy saves the world countless amounts of times, only to be faced with the decision of saving the world (ONCE AGAIN) by taking her own life, or let it stay in the same "Damned" place that it was currently in. She decides to take her own life to save the world but leaves a message with her sister that simply said "The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it." That quote was one of the most true ringing statements that I had ever heard.
Today has made me recall this phrase alot. We live in a world today, where you feel like no where is safe, and you feel like you can trust no one. A world where, just when you feel like you've taken 2 steps forward, your taking 5 steps back. I will be 25 years old in less than a month, and I have been going through these motions of getting older. I have been confronted with a large number of scenarios I haven't had to face before, being it social conflict, professional conflict, health, love, etc. All which have been seemingly difficult to navigate. I have no focal point of who I can base my adult actions off of. When I was child I responded to things like other children did, however that does not work in the adult world. The majority of the people I see are like aliens to me. I don't want to have any parts in any of the things their doing.
So with all that being stated, I began to wonder if there were other people out there who have issues navigating through the map of life. I felt the need to share some of my experiences in a broad sense, and maybe this may help someone else who may be enduring something that they never had to before. When it comes to conflict with other people, in my younger days, I would avoid it like the plague. I never wanted to disagree with people, and I damn sure didn't want to be dislike. However, as I grew I realized that conflict is nothing to fear. Conflict is healthy and in some instances necessary for human interaction. I am not speaking about going out and seeking conflict, but more so on the note of asserting one's self or being firm in a belief. Society would never have progressed had there not been a conflict between two or more people. Conflict is how people's voices are heard, how freedoms are received, how awards are given. There is nothing to run from when it comes to conflict.(Given that there are ways to handle different kinds of conflict) There are some people that you will run into who have nothing to lose, and they can taint conflict into what I hate which is violence. These situations need a little wisdom when addressing them. If you find that none of your words are getting through to someone, there is nothing wrong with appeasing people for the sake of saving your own life. Outside of those instances there are some important steps that need to be taken:
1. Know exactly what the conflict is about. Nothing is more embarrassing then arguing or debating with someone and you have no knowledge of the subject or situation. There is nothing wrong with not knowing are being ignorant to something, but if we find ourselves in this situation then we need to humble ourselves first and get more information.
2. Be firm in your stance. If this particular conflict is something that you feel passionate about and you have all the facts, then be firm with your statements. Let the other person know with your body language and tone of voice that you mean business. It can be scary but people will respect you for it, because you never know who may be in earshot and has never thought about the situation your way before.
3. Know when to back down. In conflicts sometimes both parties get so passionate that even when rationale is introduced to disprove one side, we can't let it go. Just as I said people will respect you for being firm, they will also respect you when you admit defeat. None of us are God, so we will not know everything, but it's what we do with that lack of knowledge that matters.
Now that I have gotten older, I realize that I tend to put too much on myself. I tend to have too many expectations and not enough results, and a lot of times this frustrates me. This happens in life, especially if you have a proactive personality like I do. There is always something to do, always somewhere to go, always someone to see. In this world, we need to be a tad bit more selfish and lax in matters of life. Take "me" time, and find out the different things that you like to do, and not always focus on the things you "have" to do. Even if it is outside of your financial means or comfort zone. Just like you would make a plan of execution for your needs, do the same for your wants. Plan a vacation, or a sky diving trip, or a cruise, or just a day of nudity around the home. Take those "self" breaks so that way when you come back to your needs you can be energized, and more readily focused on what needs to get done.
I am also the kind of person that HATES to rely on other people. I don't like planning things with other people, I don't like going places with people if I am not in control of the method of transportation, I just don't like it. Thinking this way can be harmful. At one point or another in our lives, we will have to call on someone else. Life can be overwhelming, more than just one person can handle, so we need to identify those that we can trust in our lives and really tend to those relationships. It isn't that you have ulterior motives, but in life sometimes you need a helping hand and why not have that come from someone you trust. We didn't come into this world on our own, and at the end of the day we HAVE to rely on people in some way shape or form. You have to rely on your boss to cut your check every two weeks, you have to rely on the deli to make your sandwich the way you like it, you have to rely your bank to have your funds available after deposit......maybe those weren't the best examples, but you get it. None of us are superman, and if you read the comics or seen the cartoon you'd know even Superman had to call in the Justice League when shit got real.
The final thing that has helped me get through some of life's turmoil is to just be open. Be open-minded, be open with yourself, and be open to others. We get older and we learn, we analyze, and we store all these things in us. We have to learn that there is no upper age that we stop growing whether it be physical or psychological. No one benefits from keeping everything inside. We can't ignore or close ourselves off to change or things that are different. That is one of the more beautiful and most enjoyable things about life is that there is so much we will encounter. So many new opinions to hear, so many lives that we come into contact with. We shouldn't see these interactions as burdens, but as an opportunity to expand and grow within ourselves. We can't be hard and stiff for the rest of our lives. Putting it into perspective, it takes a lot more work to stay in the same exact place, than it is to go with the flow and move forward. Think about it.........
~Stanz A. Lone
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Losing Steam
I was struggling with the next topic that I wanted to address. But this morning I was struck with the notion that alot of the people in my personal space (like myself) are in serious commitments. I also find relationships and the dynamics within them very interesting. No two relationships are the same, as no two people are the same. So this blog is going to be about relationships, the different kinds that I have encountered, what has worked in the relationships that I have seen, and what is destructive to the development of a relationship.
Let me first give this minor disclaimer. As I stated before no relationship is the same, but I will take that a step further and say that not all people get into relationships for the same reasons. Some people have relationships of convenience, normally where both parties receive a mutual benefit such as security, sex, money, soothing of loneliness, and many other reasons. These relationships, of course, are not the most favorable kinds, but they do exist. You have relationships that are forced, either by two close knit social groups with single friends who get forced into a courtship, or something as simple as a family arranging it for you at birth. Neither one of these relationships will be discussed. I want to address long-term relationships that move towards lifelong commitment. The kinds of relationships that lead to marriage, and 20 year anniversaries. *Side note* I am not a relationship guru, or a relationship connoisseur. However, I have had my fair share of committed relationships and I know what has worked (for me) and what hasn't.
Speaking of courtship, that is where I will start. Courtship is a VERY important piece to developing a long-lasting relationship. The way one goes about receiving the attention and affections of another party is highly important, as it depicts what you may and may not expect in the future. We are living in an age where technology is completely diminishing human contact. People just aren't meeting in the places that they use to. Before people met in clubs, bars, churches, social outings, through friends, at work, what have you. However, since technology has gotten so advanced, people are now meeting on websites, on phone apps, and on telephone hot lines. I in no way, shape, or form am trying to put down or degrade these methods of meeting, but I am just stating what is fact (and of course this is not every single person meeting this way). With that being said, when you meet someone on these different modes of technology, you have to look for signs to see where their head is at. When the initial contact is made, and after all the phone call and text messages that get both parties acquainted are done, we need to be looking the first "official date". Is this person saying "come over" and that is considered the first date? Are you going to their home where they live with family members, and now your meeting mom on the first night? Is there a public setting where both parties are just patrons and no one knows who they are? All of these things say a lot. Setting is important at such an early stage. You don't want to be with someone whose idea of quality time is in their home where they are everyday. Even if you are a home body yourself, you are pretty much setting yourself up when you allow this meeting to happen consistently. If it's ok the first time, and the second time, and the third time, then why is an issue 2 years later when you want to go out. I am still a firm believer in going out on dates, not just sitting in the house watching a movie and talking about this and that. Courtship is both individuals presenting themselves to one another. If I am going to go out of my way to leave my house and dress in a semi-decent fashion, OH we're going SOMEWHERE. To me this translates into a state of complacency. Your are complacent in your home, and you have little desire to engage the outside world.
NOW, on to the actually dating process. Dating is suppose to be FUN! Minimal drama, and minimal heart ache. Dating is where you want to start mixing it up. You don't have to hit the 5-star restaurant every time you go out, and this can be the time the certain family members and friends can be introduced. (IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING). However, nothing ruins dating faster than letting your emotions get involved too soon. When you are dating, this is a time to get beneath the first layer. I know your attractive, because 8 times out of 10 that is why I said yes/asked you out in the first place. So this time is designated to see the person beneath the face. Often time during this time period, people tend to expect alot. Folks want commitment without working for it, they want promises without exposing themselves......this just will not work. During the dating process, there needs to be a understanding with self that this person has no commitments to you. If they are in fact dating/talking/spending time with someone else, than that is their choice. Unless you have had a conversation about being exclusive than you can't be mad at anyone but yourself for not doing the same. When dating their needs to be a balance of emotional distance and physical vulnerability. At this point in time EVERYONE has had someone who has hurt them, but too often do we fall victim of pitting the sins of the past on a horrible past experience, or broken heart. However, we need to give people a chance to fail before we condemn them (easier said than done, I KNOW).
Finally, the relationship itself. I want to try to make this as simple as possible. If courtship is the cold hard concrete, then dating is the foundation, with the relationship being the structure. The MOST important thing about maintaining a healthy, loving relationship is COMMUNICATION. And I don't mean just talking. I mean listening actively, empathizing and sympathizing, as well as sharing you own thoughts and feelings. At this juncture you have decided that this person is good enough for me to commit myself to, so we need to work even harder to keep up said commitment. No one likes being misunderstood and misrepresented, however as stated above, no two people are alike. Work needs to be put in so that both parties try to at least RESPECT the others point of view. No you don't have to understand, nor agree with every thing I feel, but please respect where I am coming from. Don't downplay your partners feelings because you don't think they should feel that way. Try your best to make your point of view understood, rather than say "Well your being too sensitive", that is the easiest way to have communication breakdowns. Don't name call (unless you don't mind being single), because at the end of the day you would not like being called some one's "pussy/bitch/nigga/faggot". Don't get so emotional invested in the disagreement that you let anger consume you. You are suppose to love this person and although you will get under one another's skin, you have to remember that everyday has not and will not be like this moment. Sometimes what I do is just simply say "Let's not talk about it right now", especially when I feel myself getting to that boiling point. I have to remember that exploding will do absolutely nothing to benefit the situation, and who wants to exert all that energy over a trivial disagreement. Pick you battles and know when to back down for the sake of the greater good (the relationship). No it's not sacrificing your values, but it is compromising which is another huge part of a relationship.
In dealing with another personality, you will not always see eye to eye. However, how you handle that is very important. The most important thing needed in a relationship is TRUST. No long-term or lifelong commitment will work if you don't trust one another. And I don't mean trust in the sense of cheating or not cheating. I mean trust in the sense that you know that your partner is responsible and is going to do what they say they will. There is no point in being with someone that you have to check up after. That is tiring, and you do that to children not your lover. When you give your heart to someone, you are TRUSTING them to keep it safe. If you feel the need to constantly be under your partner so that they don't do things.....you don't need to be with them either.
Relationships in my eyes, don't get as much glory as they use to. People don't work as hard as they use to to maintain it, and too often is the solution to every relationship problem "breaking up". That should not be the smoking gun during conflict. Problems are going to arise no matter who your with. No relationship is drama free, and if you say yours is then you are naive to the problems that probably have already occurred. We put in work for our job, for our families, and for ourselves which are all things that we are "supposed" to love, so why would you not do the same for the relationship and the person you say you feel that way for?
Let me first give this minor disclaimer. As I stated before no relationship is the same, but I will take that a step further and say that not all people get into relationships for the same reasons. Some people have relationships of convenience, normally where both parties receive a mutual benefit such as security, sex, money, soothing of loneliness, and many other reasons. These relationships, of course, are not the most favorable kinds, but they do exist. You have relationships that are forced, either by two close knit social groups with single friends who get forced into a courtship, or something as simple as a family arranging it for you at birth. Neither one of these relationships will be discussed. I want to address long-term relationships that move towards lifelong commitment. The kinds of relationships that lead to marriage, and 20 year anniversaries. *Side note* I am not a relationship guru, or a relationship connoisseur. However, I have had my fair share of committed relationships and I know what has worked (for me) and what hasn't.
Speaking of courtship, that is where I will start. Courtship is a VERY important piece to developing a long-lasting relationship. The way one goes about receiving the attention and affections of another party is highly important, as it depicts what you may and may not expect in the future. We are living in an age where technology is completely diminishing human contact. People just aren't meeting in the places that they use to. Before people met in clubs, bars, churches, social outings, through friends, at work, what have you. However, since technology has gotten so advanced, people are now meeting on websites, on phone apps, and on telephone hot lines. I in no way, shape, or form am trying to put down or degrade these methods of meeting, but I am just stating what is fact (and of course this is not every single person meeting this way). With that being said, when you meet someone on these different modes of technology, you have to look for signs to see where their head is at. When the initial contact is made, and after all the phone call and text messages that get both parties acquainted are done, we need to be looking the first "official date". Is this person saying "come over" and that is considered the first date? Are you going to their home where they live with family members, and now your meeting mom on the first night? Is there a public setting where both parties are just patrons and no one knows who they are? All of these things say a lot. Setting is important at such an early stage. You don't want to be with someone whose idea of quality time is in their home where they are everyday. Even if you are a home body yourself, you are pretty much setting yourself up when you allow this meeting to happen consistently. If it's ok the first time, and the second time, and the third time, then why is an issue 2 years later when you want to go out. I am still a firm believer in going out on dates, not just sitting in the house watching a movie and talking about this and that. Courtship is both individuals presenting themselves to one another. If I am going to go out of my way to leave my house and dress in a semi-decent fashion, OH we're going SOMEWHERE. To me this translates into a state of complacency. Your are complacent in your home, and you have little desire to engage the outside world.
NOW, on to the actually dating process. Dating is suppose to be FUN! Minimal drama, and minimal heart ache. Dating is where you want to start mixing it up. You don't have to hit the 5-star restaurant every time you go out, and this can be the time the certain family members and friends can be introduced. (IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING). However, nothing ruins dating faster than letting your emotions get involved too soon. When you are dating, this is a time to get beneath the first layer. I know your attractive, because 8 times out of 10 that is why I said yes/asked you out in the first place. So this time is designated to see the person beneath the face. Often time during this time period, people tend to expect alot. Folks want commitment without working for it, they want promises without exposing themselves......this just will not work. During the dating process, there needs to be a understanding with self that this person has no commitments to you. If they are in fact dating/talking/spending time with someone else, than that is their choice. Unless you have had a conversation about being exclusive than you can't be mad at anyone but yourself for not doing the same. When dating their needs to be a balance of emotional distance and physical vulnerability. At this point in time EVERYONE has had someone who has hurt them, but too often do we fall victim of pitting the sins of the past on a horrible past experience, or broken heart. However, we need to give people a chance to fail before we condemn them (easier said than done, I KNOW).
Finally, the relationship itself. I want to try to make this as simple as possible. If courtship is the cold hard concrete, then dating is the foundation, with the relationship being the structure. The MOST important thing about maintaining a healthy, loving relationship is COMMUNICATION. And I don't mean just talking. I mean listening actively, empathizing and sympathizing, as well as sharing you own thoughts and feelings. At this juncture you have decided that this person is good enough for me to commit myself to, so we need to work even harder to keep up said commitment. No one likes being misunderstood and misrepresented, however as stated above, no two people are alike. Work needs to be put in so that both parties try to at least RESPECT the others point of view. No you don't have to understand, nor agree with every thing I feel, but please respect where I am coming from. Don't downplay your partners feelings because you don't think they should feel that way. Try your best to make your point of view understood, rather than say "Well your being too sensitive", that is the easiest way to have communication breakdowns. Don't name call (unless you don't mind being single), because at the end of the day you would not like being called some one's "pussy/bitch/nigga/faggot". Don't get so emotional invested in the disagreement that you let anger consume you. You are suppose to love this person and although you will get under one another's skin, you have to remember that everyday has not and will not be like this moment. Sometimes what I do is just simply say "Let's not talk about it right now", especially when I feel myself getting to that boiling point. I have to remember that exploding will do absolutely nothing to benefit the situation, and who wants to exert all that energy over a trivial disagreement. Pick you battles and know when to back down for the sake of the greater good (the relationship). No it's not sacrificing your values, but it is compromising which is another huge part of a relationship.
In dealing with another personality, you will not always see eye to eye. However, how you handle that is very important. The most important thing needed in a relationship is TRUST. No long-term or lifelong commitment will work if you don't trust one another. And I don't mean trust in the sense of cheating or not cheating. I mean trust in the sense that you know that your partner is responsible and is going to do what they say they will. There is no point in being with someone that you have to check up after. That is tiring, and you do that to children not your lover. When you give your heart to someone, you are TRUSTING them to keep it safe. If you feel the need to constantly be under your partner so that they don't do things.....you don't need to be with them either.
Relationships in my eyes, don't get as much glory as they use to. People don't work as hard as they use to to maintain it, and too often is the solution to every relationship problem "breaking up". That should not be the smoking gun during conflict. Problems are going to arise no matter who your with. No relationship is drama free, and if you say yours is then you are naive to the problems that probably have already occurred. We put in work for our job, for our families, and for ourselves which are all things that we are "supposed" to love, so why would you not do the same for the relationship and the person you say you feel that way for?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Like Cats and Dogs
Hopefully you guys can bare with me as I find my style in the blogging world. However, let me get to the matter at hand which is exposing the underground war that has been waging about as long as cats and dogs (thus the title).
Now I can only address this issue from the view point of one side. Because this is the group that I identify with, but that isn't to say that my points won't be valid.
Woman and Gay men.........two very different groups with the same problem....TRUST! As long as I have been alive and have been out I have had very VERY interesting encounters with women. I have never had sex with a woman, and even in the days where I played "straight" I never could tolerate alot of the hot and cold that women give. Now as a gay man, my interactions with them have changed. I find it odd that when women find out that I am gay I get 3 distinct reactions:
1. The Convert: These are the women that are so amazed by how gay men work that their goal is to find them and convert them "back" to where they came from. These are the women that present you with the "You must not have met a real women" or "How you know you gay if you never had pussy?" I gag at the second remark, but nonetheless these women give that statement. I find it so interesting because I know of the war waging between my orientation and heterosexual women, so to hear them say such things is remarkable to me
2. The Best Friend: These women may come in two forms. You have the woman that finds out your gay, and their immediate response is "OMG my cousin/friend/Dad/Next Door Neighbor/co-worker is gay, and I love them" (ok bitch....REALLY?). Then you have the women that say dumb shit like "OMG I've also wondered what it would be like to have a gay best friend" as if to say that since I am gay that that automatically means I want to be your friend (Puhleeze).
3. The Uniformaed/Ignorant: These are the women I like. These women don't know shit about gay men. They may have heard about them before or met a couple, but they have never engaged one in real life. Therefore, since your the first "gay" person they met, you have to be the guru on all things gay and answer every question that they will throw at you (and trust me they will have a lot of questions). I like these women because they aren't being as unrealistic as the other two groups. They know that they are uniformed and their only desire is to be educated. Not to screw you, not to be BFF's, but simply to understand who you are and the decision you made (and how you came to it).
With that being said I have to address that gay male side. No, there isn't a break down of the different types of gays cause then I'd be here for the rest of the week giving you all the sub-categories. However, on the gay male side I can address how the war gets fueled. Your a gay man, and in most cases you've been persecuted your whole life by individuals, families, school systems, and society at large. So the last thing that you want to hear is some unattractive woman telling you how much you need vagina in your life (BYE!!!). Also as a gay man you meet people who will try to use you, abuse you, and everything in between, so when you hear from some random broad "let's be bff's" the initial reaction is distrust like "what does she want from me?". This is where the trust issue with gay men comes in to this war. As a culture, we are not very trusting people. Of course our preference is men, so that gender gets a pass in the trust department. However, women don't recieve that luxury. At every turn we're saying "Why is she here?" or "She is messing up my chances with _____" or "Why is she talking to me?" This is part 1 of the problem
Women, their issue of trust comes later on. So let me paint this picture, two friends....a gay male and a straight woman. These two indivdiuals have been friends for years and have seen each other through the highs and lows in both their lives. The straight women finally finds a keeper of a man, and all ties to the gay male are severed. Even though women can co-exist and befriend gay men, they will not let them anywhere near whoever they are sleeping with. Why? Fear that their man may be gay, fear that their friend may steal their man, or personal insecuritis about relationships in general, WHATEVER.......there is a disconnect in the relationship. This is what women need to understand, there are more chances that your man won't want to meet us in the first place so there is no need to go out of the way to keep the two parties seperate. Furthermore, you are more likely to have your man stolen by the next chick who calls herself your "sister" more so than your gay friend. To this fact I can only speak personally, but I don't want no straight man. I am a gay man and I like other gay men, no in the closest, bi-sexual, confused, on the low dude. I want my man gay and proud. Now given there are gay men out there who are vicious, they will steal anyone's man gay or straight, male or female, friend or foe, but that is just the risk you take with dating in general Someone WILL want what you have.
So trust, both parties need a little bit more of it because at the end of the day both groups have more in common than their inclination for penis. However, when and if both parties are able to shed past trangressions and really get to know the other on a personal level (women understand the struggle of being a gay man, and gay men understand that a straight woman won't want you in every aspect of their life.) I've seen straight women who have children, and will never let their gay friend come over. I, personally, am ok with that because if I was friends with a transsexual I may not want them around my children. Solely, because of the questions that I would have to answer RIGHT THEN, where it may be too soon for my child to be exposed to these different groups. We have to respect this. Does that me that women don't like gay men......No. But what it does mean is that they have a set of standards and morals for themselves than they do their children (Which is most parents in general).
I'm not quite sure if I represented both sides equally, but I tried. Once again I hope you enjoyed. Until next time
~Stanz A. Lone
Now I can only address this issue from the view point of one side. Because this is the group that I identify with, but that isn't to say that my points won't be valid.
Woman and Gay men.........two very different groups with the same problem....TRUST! As long as I have been alive and have been out I have had very VERY interesting encounters with women. I have never had sex with a woman, and even in the days where I played "straight" I never could tolerate alot of the hot and cold that women give. Now as a gay man, my interactions with them have changed. I find it odd that when women find out that I am gay I get 3 distinct reactions:
1. The Convert: These are the women that are so amazed by how gay men work that their goal is to find them and convert them "back" to where they came from. These are the women that present you with the "You must not have met a real women" or "How you know you gay if you never had pussy?" I gag at the second remark, but nonetheless these women give that statement. I find it so interesting because I know of the war waging between my orientation and heterosexual women, so to hear them say such things is remarkable to me
2. The Best Friend: These women may come in two forms. You have the woman that finds out your gay, and their immediate response is "OMG my cousin/friend/Dad/Next Door Neighbor/co-worker is gay, and I love them" (ok bitch....REALLY?). Then you have the women that say dumb shit like "OMG I've also wondered what it would be like to have a gay best friend" as if to say that since I am gay that that automatically means I want to be your friend (Puhleeze).
3. The Uniformaed/Ignorant: These are the women I like. These women don't know shit about gay men. They may have heard about them before or met a couple, but they have never engaged one in real life. Therefore, since your the first "gay" person they met, you have to be the guru on all things gay and answer every question that they will throw at you (and trust me they will have a lot of questions). I like these women because they aren't being as unrealistic as the other two groups. They know that they are uniformed and their only desire is to be educated. Not to screw you, not to be BFF's, but simply to understand who you are and the decision you made (and how you came to it).
With that being said I have to address that gay male side. No, there isn't a break down of the different types of gays cause then I'd be here for the rest of the week giving you all the sub-categories. However, on the gay male side I can address how the war gets fueled. Your a gay man, and in most cases you've been persecuted your whole life by individuals, families, school systems, and society at large. So the last thing that you want to hear is some unattractive woman telling you how much you need vagina in your life (BYE!!!). Also as a gay man you meet people who will try to use you, abuse you, and everything in between, so when you hear from some random broad "let's be bff's" the initial reaction is distrust like "what does she want from me?". This is where the trust issue with gay men comes in to this war. As a culture, we are not very trusting people. Of course our preference is men, so that gender gets a pass in the trust department. However, women don't recieve that luxury. At every turn we're saying "Why is she here?" or "She is messing up my chances with _____" or "Why is she talking to me?" This is part 1 of the problem
Women, their issue of trust comes later on. So let me paint this picture, two friends....a gay male and a straight woman. These two indivdiuals have been friends for years and have seen each other through the highs and lows in both their lives. The straight women finally finds a keeper of a man, and all ties to the gay male are severed. Even though women can co-exist and befriend gay men, they will not let them anywhere near whoever they are sleeping with. Why? Fear that their man may be gay, fear that their friend may steal their man, or personal insecuritis about relationships in general, WHATEVER.......there is a disconnect in the relationship. This is what women need to understand, there are more chances that your man won't want to meet us in the first place so there is no need to go out of the way to keep the two parties seperate. Furthermore, you are more likely to have your man stolen by the next chick who calls herself your "sister" more so than your gay friend. To this fact I can only speak personally, but I don't want no straight man. I am a gay man and I like other gay men, no in the closest, bi-sexual, confused, on the low dude. I want my man gay and proud. Now given there are gay men out there who are vicious, they will steal anyone's man gay or straight, male or female, friend or foe, but that is just the risk you take with dating in general Someone WILL want what you have.
So trust, both parties need a little bit more of it because at the end of the day both groups have more in common than their inclination for penis. However, when and if both parties are able to shed past trangressions and really get to know the other on a personal level (women understand the struggle of being a gay man, and gay men understand that a straight woman won't want you in every aspect of their life.) I've seen straight women who have children, and will never let their gay friend come over. I, personally, am ok with that because if I was friends with a transsexual I may not want them around my children. Solely, because of the questions that I would have to answer RIGHT THEN, where it may be too soon for my child to be exposed to these different groups. We have to respect this. Does that me that women don't like gay men......No. But what it does mean is that they have a set of standards and morals for themselves than they do their children (Which is most parents in general).
I'm not quite sure if I represented both sides equally, but I tried. Once again I hope you enjoyed. Until next time
~Stanz A. Lone
You like it, I hate it
I am a first time blogger, but a full time thinker. If you've thought about it, so have I and a hundred more times then you have. I've been struggling for a while now as to what I want to blog about. How can I define myself through words on a screen?
So the first thing that came to my mind was about my all around view of people and things. I figure if I want people to get a sense of me and the way that I think, then the best thing to do is give background. I will try to be as transparent as possible (give a little bit of vulnerability as well). This will in no way shape or form be some kind of journal, chronicling my life and the things that have happened. This blog will more so be an outlet for my views, and the different situations that I encounter in life.
With that being said here is a tid bit about me. I am an over thinker. Some may wonder as to how one over thinks, but it is quite simple. You think about something and you keep thinking about it until you almost live it in your mind, you obsess about it, dream about it. Yeah that's me! The other day I had a disagreement with my boyfriend. Was it a big deal......HELL NO! But did I make a big deal out it.....damn right I did. Why? Because I wouldn't be me if I didn't. That is pretty much how most of my adult life is. I challenge people, and not always in the most positive of ways. I have a tendency to view people in a way they often don't view themselves. Therefore, clashes with me and certain people's personality is imminent. So far I think too much, and I'm an asshole......let me see what else I can throw in...........
I try very hard in the public eye to be very understanding, very accomodating, and very easy-going. In my years of growing up, I have learned that these traits get you very far in social and work-related settings. Now in my personal life, I have zero-tolerance for the dumb shit. I cannot stand people who put themselves in situations, and then act helpless to do anything about it. I am very judgmental and very VERY sensitive. I take offense very easily to things, and this comes from childhood (however I'm not going to get into all that).
I am a gay man, if you have no guessed by my picture (and the fact that I stated that I have a boyfriend). And this pretty much gives me one of the more unique outlooks on life. I am a black gay male (double minority) so I feel as though growing up in these two very different worlds gives me a more open mind.
Stereotypically most of my friends are females and gay men. I do have heterosexual friends that are men, but my relationships with them are no as evolved as the other friendships I have.
So I stated to my friend (who put me on to blogging) that the first thing I wanted to address in this blog is the ongoing battle between straight women and gay men. But since I have written so much already, I will save this for my next blog which will be coming shortly after this. Hope you enjoyed, and see ya next time
~Stanz A. Lone
So the first thing that came to my mind was about my all around view of people and things. I figure if I want people to get a sense of me and the way that I think, then the best thing to do is give background. I will try to be as transparent as possible (give a little bit of vulnerability as well). This will in no way shape or form be some kind of journal, chronicling my life and the things that have happened. This blog will more so be an outlet for my views, and the different situations that I encounter in life.
With that being said here is a tid bit about me. I am an over thinker. Some may wonder as to how one over thinks, but it is quite simple. You think about something and you keep thinking about it until you almost live it in your mind, you obsess about it, dream about it. Yeah that's me! The other day I had a disagreement with my boyfriend. Was it a big deal......HELL NO! But did I make a big deal out it.....damn right I did. Why? Because I wouldn't be me if I didn't. That is pretty much how most of my adult life is. I challenge people, and not always in the most positive of ways. I have a tendency to view people in a way they often don't view themselves. Therefore, clashes with me and certain people's personality is imminent. So far I think too much, and I'm an asshole......let me see what else I can throw in...........
I try very hard in the public eye to be very understanding, very accomodating, and very easy-going. In my years of growing up, I have learned that these traits get you very far in social and work-related settings. Now in my personal life, I have zero-tolerance for the dumb shit. I cannot stand people who put themselves in situations, and then act helpless to do anything about it. I am very judgmental and very VERY sensitive. I take offense very easily to things, and this comes from childhood (however I'm not going to get into all that).
I am a gay man, if you have no guessed by my picture (and the fact that I stated that I have a boyfriend). And this pretty much gives me one of the more unique outlooks on life. I am a black gay male (double minority) so I feel as though growing up in these two very different worlds gives me a more open mind.
Stereotypically most of my friends are females and gay men. I do have heterosexual friends that are men, but my relationships with them are no as evolved as the other friendships I have.
So I stated to my friend (who put me on to blogging) that the first thing I wanted to address in this blog is the ongoing battle between straight women and gay men. But since I have written so much already, I will save this for my next blog which will be coming shortly after this. Hope you enjoyed, and see ya next time
~Stanz A. Lone
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