Losing Steam

I was struggling with the next topic that I wanted to address. But this morning I was struck with the notion that alot of the people in my personal space (like myself) are in serious commitments. I also find relationships and the dynamics within them very interesting. No two relationships are the same, as no two people are the same. So this blog is going to be about relationships, the different kinds that I have encountered, what has worked in the relationships that I have seen, and what is destructive to the development of a relationship.

Let me first give this minor disclaimer. As I stated before no relationship is the same, but I will take that a step further and say that not all people get into relationships for the same reasons. Some people have relationships of convenience, normally where both parties receive a mutual benefit such as security, sex, money, soothing of loneliness, and many other reasons. These relationships, of course, are not the most favorable kinds, but they do exist. You have relationships that are forced, either by two close knit social groups with single friends who get forced into a courtship, or something as simple as a family arranging it for you at birth. Neither one of these relationships will be discussed. I want to address long-term relationships that move towards lifelong commitment. The kinds of relationships that lead to marriage, and 20 year anniversaries. *Side note* I am not a relationship guru, or a relationship connoisseur. However, I have had my fair share of committed relationships and I know what has worked (for me) and what hasn't. 

Speaking of courtship, that is where I will start. Courtship is a VERY important piece to developing a long-lasting relationship. The way one goes about receiving the attention and affections of another party is highly important, as it depicts what you may and may not expect in the future. We are living in an age where technology is completely diminishing human contact. People just aren't meeting in the places that they use to. Before people met in clubs, bars, churches, social outings, through friends, at work, what have you. However, since technology has gotten so advanced, people are now meeting on websites, on phone apps, and on telephone hot lines. I in no way, shape, or form am trying to put down or degrade these methods of meeting, but I am just stating what is fact (and of course this is not every single person meeting this way). With that being said, when you meet someone on these different modes of technology, you have to look for signs to see where their head is at. When the initial contact is made, and after all the phone call and text messages that get both parties acquainted are done, we need to be looking the first "official date". Is this person saying "come over" and that is considered the first date? Are you going to their home where they live with family members, and now your meeting mom on the first night? Is there a public setting where both parties are just patrons and no one knows who they are? All of these things say a lot. Setting is important at such an early stage. You don't want to be with someone whose idea of quality time is in their home where they are everyday. Even if you are a home body yourself, you are pretty much setting yourself up when you allow this meeting to happen consistently. If it's ok the first time, and the second time, and the third time, then why is an issue 2 years later when you want to go out. I am still a firm believer in going out on dates, not just sitting in the house watching a movie and talking about this and that. Courtship is both individuals presenting themselves to one another. If I am going to go out of my way to leave my house and dress in a semi-decent fashion, OH we're going SOMEWHERE. To me this translates into a state of complacency. Your are complacent in your home, and you have little desire to engage the outside world.

NOW, on to the actually dating process. Dating is suppose to be FUN! Minimal drama, and minimal heart ache. Dating is where you want to start mixing it up. You don't have to hit the 5-star restaurant every time you go out, and this can be the time the certain family members and friends can be introduced. (IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING). However, nothing ruins dating faster than letting your emotions get involved too soon. When you are dating, this is a time to get beneath the first layer. I know your attractive, because 8 times out of 10 that is why I said yes/asked you out in the first place. So this time is designated to see the person beneath the face. Often time during this time period, people tend to expect alot. Folks want commitment without working for it, they want promises without exposing themselves......this just will not work. During the dating process, there needs to be a understanding with self that this person has no commitments to you. If they are in fact dating/talking/spending time with someone else, than that is their choice. Unless you have had a conversation about being exclusive than you can't be mad at anyone but yourself for not doing the same. When dating their needs to be a balance of emotional distance and physical vulnerability. At this point in time EVERYONE has had someone who has hurt them, but too often do we fall victim of pitting the sins of the past on a horrible past experience, or broken heart. However, we need to give people a chance to fail before we condemn them (easier said than done, I KNOW). 

Finally, the relationship itself. I want to try to make this as simple as possible. If courtship is the cold hard concrete, then dating is the foundation, with the relationship being the structure. The MOST important thing about maintaining a healthy, loving relationship is COMMUNICATION. And I don't mean just talking. I mean listening actively, empathizing and sympathizing, as well as sharing you own thoughts and feelings. At this juncture you have decided that this person is good enough for me to commit myself to, so we need to work even harder to keep up said commitment. No one likes being misunderstood and misrepresented, however as stated above, no two people are alike. Work needs to be put in so that both parties try to at least RESPECT the others point of view. No you don't have to understand, nor agree with every thing I feel, but please respect where I am coming from. Don't downplay your partners feelings because you don't think they should feel that way. Try your best to make your point of view understood, rather than say "Well your being too sensitive", that is the easiest way to have communication breakdowns. Don't name call (unless you don't mind being single), because at the end of the day you would not like being called some one's "pussy/bitch/nigga/faggot". Don't get so emotional invested in the disagreement that you let anger consume you. You are suppose to love this person and although you will get under one another's skin, you have to remember that everyday has not and will not be like this moment. Sometimes what I do is just simply say "Let's not talk about it right now", especially when I feel myself getting to that boiling point. I have to remember that exploding will do absolutely nothing to benefit the situation, and who wants to exert all that energy over a trivial disagreement. Pick you battles and know when to back down for the sake of the greater good (the relationship). No it's not sacrificing your values, but it is compromising which is another huge part of a relationship.

In dealing with another personality, you will not always see eye to eye. However, how you handle that is very important. The most important thing needed in a relationship is TRUST. No long-term or lifelong commitment will work if you don't trust one another. And I don't mean trust in the sense of cheating or not cheating. I mean trust in the sense that you know that your partner is responsible and is going to do what they say they will. There is no point in being with someone that you have to check up after. That is tiring, and you do that to children not your lover. When you give your heart to someone, you are TRUSTING them to keep it safe. If you feel the need to constantly be under your partner so that they don't do things.....you don't need to be with them either.

Relationships in my eyes, don't get as much glory as they use to. People don't work as hard as they use to to maintain it, and too often is the solution to every relationship problem "breaking up". That should not be the smoking gun during conflict. Problems are going to arise no matter who your with. No relationship is drama free, and if you say yours is then you are naive to the problems that probably have already occurred. We put in work for our job, for our families, and for ourselves which are all things that we are "supposed" to love, so why would you not do the same for the relationship and the person you say you feel that way for?