Run For Shade

This weekend I had the opportunity to visit Fire Island in New York. This is an island that is known for being gay (not the island itself but the people on it). There was this event there called "Blackout" which is more or less a pride event. I wanted to take the time to touch on my anxiety at events such as these, or any other gay setting.

I've been gay my whole life (whether I admitted it or not), I pretty much was out in high school. I told my mom about 2 years ago. So all these years I've been out, and not once have i felt a sense of acceptance in the gay community. I pride myself on being fun-loving, kind-hearted, and a good friend, however I feel like the gay community is not receptive to this. Being in this culture, in my opinion, you have to be superficial and cold to make it. The gays are very judgemental and will eat you alive if you are not prepared. In this community your not allowed to be unattractive, honest, have bad style, and in some cases your not allowed to have a mind of your own. Every time I walk into a gay setting I automatically begin to critique myself "Is my hair ok?" "Do I have stains on my clothes or teeth?" "Do I look good?" This saddens me, especially in a time where gay rights have gotten a lot stronger.

You know what, let me rephrase this. It isn't all of gay culture, it is more so BLACK gay culture.

Black gay America is cruel. If your lucky enough to find sincere people to hang with, you have to be careful because people can AND WILL try to come between you. Relationships aren't safe either, because there is ALWAYS someone that wants what you have. Some will smile in your face and claim to be your comrade, but really their trying to take your man. 

In this culture love is so hard to come by. Everyone is guarding. Most will not tell you the truth about who they are (mostly because they don't know who they are either). There is a GREAT deal of infidelity that occurs, whether is at the forefront and consensual from both individuals in the relationship, or kept in secret and done behind closed doors. 

Honestly as I'm writing this I'm wondering why I'm still gay. 

It's is extremely difficult for me to communicate with other gay men. The conversation almost always veers towards celebrities, fashion, music (which is actually ok for me), or talking badly about someone who isn't in the room. And a lot of times, even if this isn't the kind of person you are, you would still have to engage in these conversations if your choosing to associate with black gay men. 

I have been fortunate enough in my life, to meet and know gay people that break the mold. I have been lucky enough to find love twice in my life (but not without its turbulence). However, the road to this point has not been easy. We receive mass amounts of scrutiny and rejection from the world at large, only to receive more from the folks we identify with. 

I really hope that the gays can get it together and get over themselves, because there is a new generation that is coming and trust me they are worse then the ones already on the scene. But that ends my rant, so until next time........

~Stanz A. Lone