Friends Vs..........

How many of us have them?...........

That song is always hilarious to me, but not cause of how simplistic the vocals were. The song is so TRUE. In the grand scheme of things, when we have multiple individuals in our personal space holding the title of "friend", one has to wonder does every single person I converse with need the title of friend. Quality over quantity is the best motto. There's a saying about friends that I've seen which stated "I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies".

I struggle with the concept of friends and who to trust. For as long as I can remember I've gone through this cycle of meeting new faces, getting acquainted with said new faces, and falling out with the new faces. I've never been good in group dynamics or "cliques" as they are usually called. I enjoy meeting new people. I enjoy interacting with new minds, but I don't enjoy every personality as it develops. With groups it's hard to separate the real from the fake. I feel like in groups there is more at stake to lose if your genuine self is undesirable, so there is more of an effort to save face. I also feel like in groups that there is more room for tension and conflict and less room for rationale. Sometimes people get into these "cliques" or small social groups and develop personalities and beliefs based off the group and not off their own experiences. There may be a fear of speaking up if one disagrees with the group or one of the members, so it is found easier to just be quiet and do what everyone else is doing..........I have never been the one for any of that.

As for individual encounters, I am a little more relaxed. I feel more at ease that the person I am speaking with is the real them (even though there are fake folks even in closed settings). My issue with people that try to assume the role of "friend" is consistency. I find that if I am putting more effort into maintaining our relationship than you are, then I have no issue walking away from that person. If I feel as though I can only relate to you when there are drinks are other intoxicants around, then that to me is not a friend. These people are drinking buddies, club girlfriends, or party pals. I, personally, overuse the noun friend when referring to people. It makes it easier than to say this is my work associate, or this is my bar acquaintance. It just don't sound right. However, I still know who they are to me, as well as having those people that deserve tht title of friend and display that time and time again. I have defined friend into a very small box, and if people don't fit into that box then I relate to them accordingly.

The kind of people that I give the title of friend to are people that I can relate to. Either we have the same taste in music, we went to the same school, grew up in the same circumstance as myself. My friends are people I can talk to about anything (even though there are ALOT of things I keep from my friends). And even though I may not talk about EVERYTHING with them, I still want to feel like I can. My friends have to be able to accept all parts of me. I have a very easy going personality, I enjoy making people laugh, but sometimes I feel as though this behavior is EXPECTED of me. On top of being a very joyful person, I can be a very deep person, a very emotional person, and if I feel like I can't express that side of me with you then that does not warrant the title friend. Most importantly, my friends have to be individuals that have their own sets of morals and ideals. I need a friend who will tell me I'm wrong, when I look a mess, and do it without a second thought. This shows me that you are "real", you have nothing to hide, and that you are confident in yourself and the things you do. Friends like these are hard to come by.

Outside of these individuals, I do a lot of socializing. Not to say that since someone isn't your friend that they do not warrant time, but just know how to handle yourself around these other people. We have work friends, and sometimes they can share some very personal things with you. However, that does not mean that you have to do the same. At the end of the day this is the place you work and make money, so there is no real obligation to make friends. We have to get along with our co-workers (given), but it's not always the best policy to pour your heart out to these people. Who knows when you will be laid off, fired, quit, promoted, or find a new job else where. We need to realize that we cannot unspeak things, so if you get promoted and you become someone's boss those private moments you shared with co-workers can become lunch room gossip (now that your THEIR boss). It is just a safety precaution.
We all like to go out, and sometimes our friends just don't serve as the right team of people that you want to have a good time with. We have those other folks that we call when we know we want to get into something, and these people I like to call GTFs "Good-time (girl/Boy) Friends". GTF's are also a blast to be around when you make some noise in a club, at the bar, or out on the strip. However, the downside to this group is that they are only pleasant to be around during that "good-time". When bills is tight, life gets hard, a loved one loses their life, or you become unemployed, call on Jesus cause these people are not the ones you want around you.

My struggle with maintaining friends is that I am constantly expanding in thought, constantly growing in adventure, and always open to new ideas, but I find that I am very unique in that way. This is lonely for me. I go through thought processes in my head, and I would like to share them, but it can be difficult when you aren't associated with people that think like you. Even if you do have 5 close friends, they are of no use if they can't understand your feelings, or your struggle. If all my best friends are straight, and I'm gay then there is only but so far I can go with these people. They haven't dated the same sex, they haven't gone through the persecution that comes with being homosexual, their family dynamic may be different, and all these things will separate us in spite of our close bond. When I feel as though I can't connect with someone, I have a tendency to shut parts of myself off which can leave room for that inevitable falling out. I feel like I have gotten a lot better in the friend department, but it is still a hard balancing act. Who to tell let in? How far to let them in? When is the appropriate time to invite them in? It's never clear cut. I don't think it gets any easier either. I am still trying to find that balance of distance and vulnerability with my friends, as well as trying to balance sociability and mystery with the people I associate with who I would not deem "friends". It's hard, but along the way I have met and am still close with some phenomenal people. Do I wish that I was closer with them, or someone in general........SURE, but maybe that will be in store for me in the future. Until, I have to keep doing more of what I am doing.....watching people. Making sure that they are safe for me, and that I am compatible with them. I am watching people to see if they remain consistent. I am watching people to see the difference in their actions both in public and in private. I am watching people to see if their watching me. Do you see me for who I am? Does this person that I represent interest you? Do I seem like someone that fits in your world? All of these questions eventually get answered, I just have to act accordingly when they are.

~Stanz A. Lone