Today is a hard day. I have not been getting much sleep and the sleep I have been getting has not be restful to say the least.
Long story short, my current partner has been having some internal struggles about who he wants to be and what capacities he has just as a person. I respect this type of reflection, but what has been extremely difficult about this is that I have been blocked out of the process. And by blocked I mean he has shut me out. He hasn't spoken to me (unless I reach out first), and any communication we have had has been limited to a couple of text message exchanges.
When I called him Sunday, we talked briefly, but I made the mistake of asking him if WE were ok, and I couldn't get a straight answer. I say mistake, because with me asking that (and not getting an answer) it has spiraled me into a type anxiety I haven't experienced since my employment was on the line.
I get tired at night around 10/11 but then when I get in bed I cant sleep. I toss and turn and eventually (maybe 45-60 minutes later), I finally go to sleep, only to been woken up by vivid dreams/nightmares, and a ball in my chest like I forgot to do something important. I've been waking up at 4:30am and its literally a fight to try to get just another 20 minutes of sleep.
I've been reading a lot on what to do when a partner becomes distant, or when they deal with personal issues in silos, and the main thing that keeps coming is not to chase that person. This is so difficult for me because I am so accustomed to looking for solutions. I am being patient with his process, while also trying to hold myself in the anxious state. IT'S HARD!
My initial reaction was to assume that he was going to break up with me, so I packed up all the stuff that he had in my place just ready for him to come get it........that's was my emotional response to my "feeling" that my feelings were hurt. With time (and a visit to my therapist), I realized that I was being selfish in my reaction and that his process around his life is not a sleight to me.
There is a lesson in here somewhere about humility that I feel like I need to pay attention to, but my mind is just set on the thought "I hope that we are ok". I don't want the time and energy spent in development our relationship to be cast away because thoughts of worthlessness.
I sent him a gift card to Chipotle via email just to let him know that I am thinking about him and I am there for him, but I still have this guy feeling that he just wants to call it quits (for whatever reason), and I am trying REALLY hard not to act on that feeling. I want to stick this out for as long as I can, because (as I was informed) running away from this is a bigger representation of how I handle my problems in general. When things dont work in my favor I just remove myself.....and I know thats wrong, and I know that when some is going through things they have their own way to handle stuff.
I just wish I could be doing something, but I guess in the same way he is working and focusing on him, I should do the same. I care about him, but I can't let this situation consume me or else I'll be more devastated if things do go left.
I have no idea why life is always so difficult around my birthday, but I really need to figure out how to avoid all this so Im not running myself ragged every year.
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Thursday, August 30, 2018
The Return of Stanza Lone
It has been almost 6 years since the last time I have written a blog post, but for some reason recently I have been feeling the need to write some things out that have been in my brain. My hope is that been purging these thoughts I can get back to some type of normalcy (whatever that looks like), but at this point I am open to any avenues.
I am less than a week away from being 31, and if I am being completely honest I feel more lost going into 31 than I did going into 30. For me, 30 was the goal.....a badge of honor that I was even able to make through three decades of existence. I didn't give any thought to what that would actually me because the accomplishment was solely in reaching it. As I'm approaching 31, it is only NOW that I am starting to think about things that I want. Where my 20s were plagued with struggles about who I wanted to be, I am now faced with want will make my "happy" or comfortable.
I have a great job that allows me to use all the degrees I've gotten, which on the professional side is AMAZING. However, personally things continue to fall short for me. My social life is fairly bland, I can really on count on one hand (a couple of fingers at that) of people that I can truly trust on count on. Even less when it comes to people who actually understand my perspective, and respect it. My relationship with my mother is the only familial relationship I have, and it is strained (on my end) at the moment, because I am realizing that often times if I don't call my mother I will not hear from my mother. That realization was a bit of a shock to my system, and I am still in a state of process around that. I am in a relationship, and we are about 5 months into it in an official capacity, but we have been dealing with each other for over a year and a half. It's very difficult! I am learning that when I am truly in love with a person I am extremely sensitive and I have also learned that vulnerability is very hard for me especially when I don't feel secure or stable. We both still have a long way to go in being where we need to be, but we are leaps and bounds from where we were.......but the process itself is painful at times, albeit worth it, often times I find myself sometimes wondering how much should I be investing, because there is this fear that all the emotions that I am giving him, he can eventually get up and walk away leaving me open and bare and unable to ever trust anyone again.
All of that to say, this has been a trying time. I don't want to overload this post because I do want to at least want to try to write a couple more and see if they help.
Also if there are typos, that's my bad, my brain is moving 10Xs faster than my fingers, which usually makes for sloppy sentences.
Also if there are typos, that's my bad, my brain is moving 10Xs faster than my fingers, which usually makes for sloppy sentences.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Don't Cost a Thing
Continuing on with the theme of change, I want to use this rare moment of vulnerability to speak out about this difficult yet wonderful time in my life.
As I stated in my previous post, I turned 25 not too long ago. I know some people will think "big deal", but in all actuality it is a big deal. The world we live in is ridiculous and I honestly feel like one of those days its going to implode, so any additional years of life on this Earth I am thankful for. Most of the changes I am experiencing are of the emotional variety. I feel myself maturing and not seeing things through such a narrow lens. I am embracing my sexuality more and more, and feeling confident in my orientation. There are things that I NEED for my life that I am now able to demand because of how hard I have worked to get here.
With that being said, the theme for this post is "Knowing your Worth". In my younger years I had a huge problem with self-esteem. I felt that I was never good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, talented enough, and more importantly I never thought I was worth a damn penny. I struggled through high school with personal identity, and even with all the academic achievements that I accomplished I still felt that I had nothing to offer this world. As I got older, and I started making an identity for myself, I got a chance somewhere down the line to assess my life. With that assessment I realized that I have to stop comparing my life to worldly standards, and when I stopped assessing my life through that scope I realized that I have done ALOT. With me doing ALOT I had to also realize that there are things in this life that I need in order to "reach the pinnacles I plan to reach".
Self-Worth. What helped me find mine was through self-evaluation. As human beings we tend to get so caught up and the things we see, and what everyone else is doing that we rarely get an opportunity to acknowledge and commend ourselves. I had to learn to become my own cheerleader, because in the grand scheme of things we have no guarantees that other people are going to give us what we need. We have to be our own support system. Friends, family, and significant others can only extend themselves but so much without neglecting themselves, and at the end of the day those people should be secondary supports. We need to be firm within ourselves and AFFIRM that we are good enough. I know this is a difficult task, but it can start out with something as simple as making a list of our accomplishments whether big or small. Once you've written those accomplishments out, do something to celebrate them. Make this an ongoing trend of success followed by celebration, and you will find in a short time that your esteem will be that much higher. Other people will begin to notice it to. Try it and see what happens.
~Stanz A. Lone
As I stated in my previous post, I turned 25 not too long ago. I know some people will think "big deal", but in all actuality it is a big deal. The world we live in is ridiculous and I honestly feel like one of those days its going to implode, so any additional years of life on this Earth I am thankful for. Most of the changes I am experiencing are of the emotional variety. I feel myself maturing and not seeing things through such a narrow lens. I am embracing my sexuality more and more, and feeling confident in my orientation. There are things that I NEED for my life that I am now able to demand because of how hard I have worked to get here.
With that being said, the theme for this post is "Knowing your Worth". In my younger years I had a huge problem with self-esteem. I felt that I was never good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, talented enough, and more importantly I never thought I was worth a damn penny. I struggled through high school with personal identity, and even with all the academic achievements that I accomplished I still felt that I had nothing to offer this world. As I got older, and I started making an identity for myself, I got a chance somewhere down the line to assess my life. With that assessment I realized that I have to stop comparing my life to worldly standards, and when I stopped assessing my life through that scope I realized that I have done ALOT. With me doing ALOT I had to also realize that there are things in this life that I need in order to "reach the pinnacles I plan to reach".
Self-Worth. What helped me find mine was through self-evaluation. As human beings we tend to get so caught up and the things we see, and what everyone else is doing that we rarely get an opportunity to acknowledge and commend ourselves. I had to learn to become my own cheerleader, because in the grand scheme of things we have no guarantees that other people are going to give us what we need. We have to be our own support system. Friends, family, and significant others can only extend themselves but so much without neglecting themselves, and at the end of the day those people should be secondary supports. We need to be firm within ourselves and AFFIRM that we are good enough. I know this is a difficult task, but it can start out with something as simple as making a list of our accomplishments whether big or small. Once you've written those accomplishments out, do something to celebrate them. Make this an ongoing trend of success followed by celebration, and you will find in a short time that your esteem will be that much higher. Other people will begin to notice it to. Try it and see what happens.
~Stanz A. Lone
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Starting Over
I haven't been able to blog for a while, and I have been missing it. There has been a lot going on and I guess I wanted to sum up what has been transpiring with me over these past few weeks.
I just celebrated my 25th birthday, and in my eyes I had just figured it to be another birthday. On top of that I am starting a new Master's program, and trying to make strides to further myself in the workplace. I'm not sure if everyone else went through this once they turned 25, but I woke up a few days ago and I felt very different on the inside. The way I saw things, the way I felt about people, it all began to change. For lack of a better gay illustration, I felt like a caterpillar that was going through metamorphosis and now I have finally become a butterfly. I'm exciting and nervous at the same time because I don't know what any of this means. I have completely reconstructed my life, and I don't know what to be prepared for. I have been greatly enjoying the experiences that I've endured since my 25th birthday, and I am interested for whats in store.
Unfortunately, with this change means that I had to let go of certain things. Some of these things have been a part of my life for a good while, and even though these things were precious, I needed to make some decisions in order to fully embrace this change.
This is what I wanted to address with this particular blog, embracing the unknown. Sometimes in life there are opportunities that present themselves. They might not always be as obvious as we would like them to be, but they are there nonetheless. Sometimes these opportunities lead us to something better, sometimes just to something different, but isn't life about growing and changing and experiencing new things? Isn't life about finding what it is that is best for you and about finding what makes you happy? The hard thing to do is to embrace opportunities when we have been comfortable in a certain position for so long. We've worked at a job for 5 years and it's ok, but we're too afraid to find something else because it MIGHT not be better. Sometimes it's worth the risk. As individuals we need to rise to the challenges of life, not back away from them because it may hurt.
When I turned 25 and I started feeling like I did, yes it would have been easier to ignore what was going on inside me and stick to the regularly scheduled program, but what I could have given up would have killed me later on in life.
Sometimes the best thing when you feel like you've done all that you can do is START OVER, and that is what I have decided to do.
I just celebrated my 25th birthday, and in my eyes I had just figured it to be another birthday. On top of that I am starting a new Master's program, and trying to make strides to further myself in the workplace. I'm not sure if everyone else went through this once they turned 25, but I woke up a few days ago and I felt very different on the inside. The way I saw things, the way I felt about people, it all began to change. For lack of a better gay illustration, I felt like a caterpillar that was going through metamorphosis and now I have finally become a butterfly. I'm exciting and nervous at the same time because I don't know what any of this means. I have completely reconstructed my life, and I don't know what to be prepared for. I have been greatly enjoying the experiences that I've endured since my 25th birthday, and I am interested for whats in store.
Unfortunately, with this change means that I had to let go of certain things. Some of these things have been a part of my life for a good while, and even though these things were precious, I needed to make some decisions in order to fully embrace this change.
This is what I wanted to address with this particular blog, embracing the unknown. Sometimes in life there are opportunities that present themselves. They might not always be as obvious as we would like them to be, but they are there nonetheless. Sometimes these opportunities lead us to something better, sometimes just to something different, but isn't life about growing and changing and experiencing new things? Isn't life about finding what it is that is best for you and about finding what makes you happy? The hard thing to do is to embrace opportunities when we have been comfortable in a certain position for so long. We've worked at a job for 5 years and it's ok, but we're too afraid to find something else because it MIGHT not be better. Sometimes it's worth the risk. As individuals we need to rise to the challenges of life, not back away from them because it may hurt.
When I turned 25 and I started feeling like I did, yes it would have been easier to ignore what was going on inside me and stick to the regularly scheduled program, but what I could have given up would have killed me later on in life.
Sometimes the best thing when you feel like you've done all that you can do is START OVER, and that is what I have decided to do.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Run For Shade
This weekend I had the opportunity to visit Fire Island in New York. This is an island that is known for being gay (not the island itself but the people on it). There was this event there called "Blackout" which is more or less a pride event. I wanted to take the time to touch on my anxiety at events such as these, or any other gay setting.
I've been gay my whole life (whether I admitted it or not), I pretty much was out in high school. I told my mom about 2 years ago. So all these years I've been out, and not once have i felt a sense of acceptance in the gay community. I pride myself on being fun-loving, kind-hearted, and a good friend, however I feel like the gay community is not receptive to this. Being in this culture, in my opinion, you have to be superficial and cold to make it. The gays are very judgemental and will eat you alive if you are not prepared. In this community your not allowed to be unattractive, honest, have bad style, and in some cases your not allowed to have a mind of your own. Every time I walk into a gay setting I automatically begin to critique myself "Is my hair ok?" "Do I have stains on my clothes or teeth?" "Do I look good?" This saddens me, especially in a time where gay rights have gotten a lot stronger.
You know what, let me rephrase this. It isn't all of gay culture, it is more so BLACK gay culture.
Black gay America is cruel. If your lucky enough to find sincere people to hang with, you have to be careful because people can AND WILL try to come between you. Relationships aren't safe either, because there is ALWAYS someone that wants what you have. Some will smile in your face and claim to be your comrade, but really their trying to take your man.
In this culture love is so hard to come by. Everyone is guarding. Most will not tell you the truth about who they are (mostly because they don't know who they are either). There is a GREAT deal of infidelity that occurs, whether is at the forefront and consensual from both individuals in the relationship, or kept in secret and done behind closed doors.
Honestly as I'm writing this I'm wondering why I'm still gay.
It's is extremely difficult for me to communicate with other gay men. The conversation almost always veers towards celebrities, fashion, music (which is actually ok for me), or talking badly about someone who isn't in the room. And a lot of times, even if this isn't the kind of person you are, you would still have to engage in these conversations if your choosing to associate with black gay men.
I have been fortunate enough in my life, to meet and know gay people that break the mold. I have been lucky enough to find love twice in my life (but not without its turbulence). However, the road to this point has not been easy. We receive mass amounts of scrutiny and rejection from the world at large, only to receive more from the folks we identify with.
I really hope that the gays can get it together and get over themselves, because there is a new generation that is coming and trust me they are worse then the ones already on the scene. But that ends my rant, so until next time........
~Stanz A. Lone
I've been gay my whole life (whether I admitted it or not), I pretty much was out in high school. I told my mom about 2 years ago. So all these years I've been out, and not once have i felt a sense of acceptance in the gay community. I pride myself on being fun-loving, kind-hearted, and a good friend, however I feel like the gay community is not receptive to this. Being in this culture, in my opinion, you have to be superficial and cold to make it. The gays are very judgemental and will eat you alive if you are not prepared. In this community your not allowed to be unattractive, honest, have bad style, and in some cases your not allowed to have a mind of your own. Every time I walk into a gay setting I automatically begin to critique myself "Is my hair ok?" "Do I have stains on my clothes or teeth?" "Do I look good?" This saddens me, especially in a time where gay rights have gotten a lot stronger.
You know what, let me rephrase this. It isn't all of gay culture, it is more so BLACK gay culture.
Black gay America is cruel. If your lucky enough to find sincere people to hang with, you have to be careful because people can AND WILL try to come between you. Relationships aren't safe either, because there is ALWAYS someone that wants what you have. Some will smile in your face and claim to be your comrade, but really their trying to take your man.
In this culture love is so hard to come by. Everyone is guarding. Most will not tell you the truth about who they are (mostly because they don't know who they are either). There is a GREAT deal of infidelity that occurs, whether is at the forefront and consensual from both individuals in the relationship, or kept in secret and done behind closed doors.
Honestly as I'm writing this I'm wondering why I'm still gay.
It's is extremely difficult for me to communicate with other gay men. The conversation almost always veers towards celebrities, fashion, music (which is actually ok for me), or talking badly about someone who isn't in the room. And a lot of times, even if this isn't the kind of person you are, you would still have to engage in these conversations if your choosing to associate with black gay men.
I have been fortunate enough in my life, to meet and know gay people that break the mold. I have been lucky enough to find love twice in my life (but not without its turbulence). However, the road to this point has not been easy. We receive mass amounts of scrutiny and rejection from the world at large, only to receive more from the folks we identify with.
I really hope that the gays can get it together and get over themselves, because there is a new generation that is coming and trust me they are worse then the ones already on the scene. But that ends my rant, so until next time........
~Stanz A. Lone
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friends Vs..........
How many of us have them?...........
That song is always hilarious to me, but not cause of how simplistic the vocals were. The song is so TRUE. In the grand scheme of things, when we have multiple individuals in our personal space holding the title of "friend", one has to wonder does every single person I converse with need the title of friend. Quality over quantity is the best motto. There's a saying about friends that I've seen which stated "I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies".
I struggle with the concept of friends and who to trust. For as long as I can remember I've gone through this cycle of meeting new faces, getting acquainted with said new faces, and falling out with the new faces. I've never been good in group dynamics or "cliques" as they are usually called. I enjoy meeting new people. I enjoy interacting with new minds, but I don't enjoy every personality as it develops. With groups it's hard to separate the real from the fake. I feel like in groups there is more at stake to lose if your genuine self is undesirable, so there is more of an effort to save face. I also feel like in groups that there is more room for tension and conflict and less room for rationale. Sometimes people get into these "cliques" or small social groups and develop personalities and beliefs based off the group and not off their own experiences. There may be a fear of speaking up if one disagrees with the group or one of the members, so it is found easier to just be quiet and do what everyone else is doing..........I have never been the one for any of that.
As for individual encounters, I am a little more relaxed. I feel more at ease that the person I am speaking with is the real them (even though there are fake folks even in closed settings). My issue with people that try to assume the role of "friend" is consistency. I find that if I am putting more effort into maintaining our relationship than you are, then I have no issue walking away from that person. If I feel as though I can only relate to you when there are drinks are other intoxicants around, then that to me is not a friend. These people are drinking buddies, club girlfriends, or party pals. I, personally, overuse the noun friend when referring to people. It makes it easier than to say this is my work associate, or this is my bar acquaintance. It just don't sound right. However, I still know who they are to me, as well as having those people that deserve tht title of friend and display that time and time again. I have defined friend into a very small box, and if people don't fit into that box then I relate to them accordingly.
The kind of people that I give the title of friend to are people that I can relate to. Either we have the same taste in music, we went to the same school, grew up in the same circumstance as myself. My friends are people I can talk to about anything (even though there are ALOT of things I keep from my friends). And even though I may not talk about EVERYTHING with them, I still want to feel like I can. My friends have to be able to accept all parts of me. I have a very easy going personality, I enjoy making people laugh, but sometimes I feel as though this behavior is EXPECTED of me. On top of being a very joyful person, I can be a very deep person, a very emotional person, and if I feel like I can't express that side of me with you then that does not warrant the title friend. Most importantly, my friends have to be individuals that have their own sets of morals and ideals. I need a friend who will tell me I'm wrong, when I look a mess, and do it without a second thought. This shows me that you are "real", you have nothing to hide, and that you are confident in yourself and the things you do. Friends like these are hard to come by.
Outside of these individuals, I do a lot of socializing. Not to say that since someone isn't your friend that they do not warrant time, but just know how to handle yourself around these other people. We have work friends, and sometimes they can share some very personal things with you. However, that does not mean that you have to do the same. At the end of the day this is the place you work and make money, so there is no real obligation to make friends. We have to get along with our co-workers (given), but it's not always the best policy to pour your heart out to these people. Who knows when you will be laid off, fired, quit, promoted, or find a new job else where. We need to realize that we cannot unspeak things, so if you get promoted and you become someone's boss those private moments you shared with co-workers can become lunch room gossip (now that your THEIR boss). It is just a safety precaution.
We all like to go out, and sometimes our friends just don't serve as the right team of people that you want to have a good time with. We have those other folks that we call when we know we want to get into something, and these people I like to call GTFs "Good-time (girl/Boy) Friends". GTF's are also a blast to be around when you make some noise in a club, at the bar, or out on the strip. However, the downside to this group is that they are only pleasant to be around during that "good-time". When bills is tight, life gets hard, a loved one loses their life, or you become unemployed, call on Jesus cause these people are not the ones you want around you.
My struggle with maintaining friends is that I am constantly expanding in thought, constantly growing in adventure, and always open to new ideas, but I find that I am very unique in that way. This is lonely for me. I go through thought processes in my head, and I would like to share them, but it can be difficult when you aren't associated with people that think like you. Even if you do have 5 close friends, they are of no use if they can't understand your feelings, or your struggle. If all my best friends are straight, and I'm gay then there is only but so far I can go with these people. They haven't dated the same sex, they haven't gone through the persecution that comes with being homosexual, their family dynamic may be different, and all these things will separate us in spite of our close bond. When I feel as though I can't connect with someone, I have a tendency to shut parts of myself off which can leave room for that inevitable falling out. I feel like I have gotten a lot better in the friend department, but it is still a hard balancing act. Who to tell let in? How far to let them in? When is the appropriate time to invite them in? It's never clear cut. I don't think it gets any easier either. I am still trying to find that balance of distance and vulnerability with my friends, as well as trying to balance sociability and mystery with the people I associate with who I would not deem "friends". It's hard, but along the way I have met and am still close with some phenomenal people. Do I wish that I was closer with them, or someone in general........SURE, but maybe that will be in store for me in the future. Until, I have to keep doing more of what I am doing.....watching people. Making sure that they are safe for me, and that I am compatible with them. I am watching people to see if they remain consistent. I am watching people to see the difference in their actions both in public and in private. I am watching people to see if their watching me. Do you see me for who I am? Does this person that I represent interest you? Do I seem like someone that fits in your world? All of these questions eventually get answered, I just have to act accordingly when they are.
~Stanz A. Lone
That song is always hilarious to me, but not cause of how simplistic the vocals were. The song is so TRUE. In the grand scheme of things, when we have multiple individuals in our personal space holding the title of "friend", one has to wonder does every single person I converse with need the title of friend. Quality over quantity is the best motto. There's a saying about friends that I've seen which stated "I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies".
I struggle with the concept of friends and who to trust. For as long as I can remember I've gone through this cycle of meeting new faces, getting acquainted with said new faces, and falling out with the new faces. I've never been good in group dynamics or "cliques" as they are usually called. I enjoy meeting new people. I enjoy interacting with new minds, but I don't enjoy every personality as it develops. With groups it's hard to separate the real from the fake. I feel like in groups there is more at stake to lose if your genuine self is undesirable, so there is more of an effort to save face. I also feel like in groups that there is more room for tension and conflict and less room for rationale. Sometimes people get into these "cliques" or small social groups and develop personalities and beliefs based off the group and not off their own experiences. There may be a fear of speaking up if one disagrees with the group or one of the members, so it is found easier to just be quiet and do what everyone else is doing..........I have never been the one for any of that.
As for individual encounters, I am a little more relaxed. I feel more at ease that the person I am speaking with is the real them (even though there are fake folks even in closed settings). My issue with people that try to assume the role of "friend" is consistency. I find that if I am putting more effort into maintaining our relationship than you are, then I have no issue walking away from that person. If I feel as though I can only relate to you when there are drinks are other intoxicants around, then that to me is not a friend. These people are drinking buddies, club girlfriends, or party pals. I, personally, overuse the noun friend when referring to people. It makes it easier than to say this is my work associate, or this is my bar acquaintance. It just don't sound right. However, I still know who they are to me, as well as having those people that deserve tht title of friend and display that time and time again. I have defined friend into a very small box, and if people don't fit into that box then I relate to them accordingly.
The kind of people that I give the title of friend to are people that I can relate to. Either we have the same taste in music, we went to the same school, grew up in the same circumstance as myself. My friends are people I can talk to about anything (even though there are ALOT of things I keep from my friends). And even though I may not talk about EVERYTHING with them, I still want to feel like I can. My friends have to be able to accept all parts of me. I have a very easy going personality, I enjoy making people laugh, but sometimes I feel as though this behavior is EXPECTED of me. On top of being a very joyful person, I can be a very deep person, a very emotional person, and if I feel like I can't express that side of me with you then that does not warrant the title friend. Most importantly, my friends have to be individuals that have their own sets of morals and ideals. I need a friend who will tell me I'm wrong, when I look a mess, and do it without a second thought. This shows me that you are "real", you have nothing to hide, and that you are confident in yourself and the things you do. Friends like these are hard to come by.
Outside of these individuals, I do a lot of socializing. Not to say that since someone isn't your friend that they do not warrant time, but just know how to handle yourself around these other people. We have work friends, and sometimes they can share some very personal things with you. However, that does not mean that you have to do the same. At the end of the day this is the place you work and make money, so there is no real obligation to make friends. We have to get along with our co-workers (given), but it's not always the best policy to pour your heart out to these people. Who knows when you will be laid off, fired, quit, promoted, or find a new job else where. We need to realize that we cannot unspeak things, so if you get promoted and you become someone's boss those private moments you shared with co-workers can become lunch room gossip (now that your THEIR boss). It is just a safety precaution.
We all like to go out, and sometimes our friends just don't serve as the right team of people that you want to have a good time with. We have those other folks that we call when we know we want to get into something, and these people I like to call GTFs "Good-time (girl/Boy) Friends". GTF's are also a blast to be around when you make some noise in a club, at the bar, or out on the strip. However, the downside to this group is that they are only pleasant to be around during that "good-time". When bills is tight, life gets hard, a loved one loses their life, or you become unemployed, call on Jesus cause these people are not the ones you want around you.
My struggle with maintaining friends is that I am constantly expanding in thought, constantly growing in adventure, and always open to new ideas, but I find that I am very unique in that way. This is lonely for me. I go through thought processes in my head, and I would like to share them, but it can be difficult when you aren't associated with people that think like you. Even if you do have 5 close friends, they are of no use if they can't understand your feelings, or your struggle. If all my best friends are straight, and I'm gay then there is only but so far I can go with these people. They haven't dated the same sex, they haven't gone through the persecution that comes with being homosexual, their family dynamic may be different, and all these things will separate us in spite of our close bond. When I feel as though I can't connect with someone, I have a tendency to shut parts of myself off which can leave room for that inevitable falling out. I feel like I have gotten a lot better in the friend department, but it is still a hard balancing act. Who to tell let in? How far to let them in? When is the appropriate time to invite them in? It's never clear cut. I don't think it gets any easier either. I am still trying to find that balance of distance and vulnerability with my friends, as well as trying to balance sociability and mystery with the people I associate with who I would not deem "friends". It's hard, but along the way I have met and am still close with some phenomenal people. Do I wish that I was closer with them, or someone in general........SURE, but maybe that will be in store for me in the future. Until, I have to keep doing more of what I am doing.....watching people. Making sure that they are safe for me, and that I am compatible with them. I am watching people to see if they remain consistent. I am watching people to see the difference in their actions both in public and in private. I am watching people to see if their watching me. Do you see me for who I am? Does this person that I represent interest you? Do I seem like someone that fits in your world? All of these questions eventually get answered, I just have to act accordingly when they are.
~Stanz A. Lone
Monday, August 6, 2012
The Hardest Thing.......
.......in this world is to live in it.
I took this quote from one of my favorite television series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now bare with me through this reference. Buffy is this teenager girl who is given supernatural abilities from the "Powers That Be" in order to kill demons, vampires, and the like. Buffy saves the world countless amounts of times, only to be faced with the decision of saving the world (ONCE AGAIN) by taking her own life, or let it stay in the same "Damned" place that it was currently in. She decides to take her own life to save the world but leaves a message with her sister that simply said "The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it." That quote was one of the most true ringing statements that I had ever heard.
Today has made me recall this phrase alot. We live in a world today, where you feel like no where is safe, and you feel like you can trust no one. A world where, just when you feel like you've taken 2 steps forward, your taking 5 steps back. I will be 25 years old in less than a month, and I have been going through these motions of getting older. I have been confronted with a large number of scenarios I haven't had to face before, being it social conflict, professional conflict, health, love, etc. All which have been seemingly difficult to navigate. I have no focal point of who I can base my adult actions off of. When I was child I responded to things like other children did, however that does not work in the adult world. The majority of the people I see are like aliens to me. I don't want to have any parts in any of the things their doing.
So with all that being stated, I began to wonder if there were other people out there who have issues navigating through the map of life. I felt the need to share some of my experiences in a broad sense, and maybe this may help someone else who may be enduring something that they never had to before. When it comes to conflict with other people, in my younger days, I would avoid it like the plague. I never wanted to disagree with people, and I damn sure didn't want to be dislike. However, as I grew I realized that conflict is nothing to fear. Conflict is healthy and in some instances necessary for human interaction. I am not speaking about going out and seeking conflict, but more so on the note of asserting one's self or being firm in a belief. Society would never have progressed had there not been a conflict between two or more people. Conflict is how people's voices are heard, how freedoms are received, how awards are given. There is nothing to run from when it comes to conflict.(Given that there are ways to handle different kinds of conflict) There are some people that you will run into who have nothing to lose, and they can taint conflict into what I hate which is violence. These situations need a little wisdom when addressing them. If you find that none of your words are getting through to someone, there is nothing wrong with appeasing people for the sake of saving your own life. Outside of those instances there are some important steps that need to be taken:
1. Know exactly what the conflict is about. Nothing is more embarrassing then arguing or debating with someone and you have no knowledge of the subject or situation. There is nothing wrong with not knowing are being ignorant to something, but if we find ourselves in this situation then we need to humble ourselves first and get more information.
2. Be firm in your stance. If this particular conflict is something that you feel passionate about and you have all the facts, then be firm with your statements. Let the other person know with your body language and tone of voice that you mean business. It can be scary but people will respect you for it, because you never know who may be in earshot and has never thought about the situation your way before.
3. Know when to back down. In conflicts sometimes both parties get so passionate that even when rationale is introduced to disprove one side, we can't let it go. Just as I said people will respect you for being firm, they will also respect you when you admit defeat. None of us are God, so we will not know everything, but it's what we do with that lack of knowledge that matters.
Now that I have gotten older, I realize that I tend to put too much on myself. I tend to have too many expectations and not enough results, and a lot of times this frustrates me. This happens in life, especially if you have a proactive personality like I do. There is always something to do, always somewhere to go, always someone to see. In this world, we need to be a tad bit more selfish and lax in matters of life. Take "me" time, and find out the different things that you like to do, and not always focus on the things you "have" to do. Even if it is outside of your financial means or comfort zone. Just like you would make a plan of execution for your needs, do the same for your wants. Plan a vacation, or a sky diving trip, or a cruise, or just a day of nudity around the home. Take those "self" breaks so that way when you come back to your needs you can be energized, and more readily focused on what needs to get done.
I am also the kind of person that HATES to rely on other people. I don't like planning things with other people, I don't like going places with people if I am not in control of the method of transportation, I just don't like it. Thinking this way can be harmful. At one point or another in our lives, we will have to call on someone else. Life can be overwhelming, more than just one person can handle, so we need to identify those that we can trust in our lives and really tend to those relationships. It isn't that you have ulterior motives, but in life sometimes you need a helping hand and why not have that come from someone you trust. We didn't come into this world on our own, and at the end of the day we HAVE to rely on people in some way shape or form. You have to rely on your boss to cut your check every two weeks, you have to rely on the deli to make your sandwich the way you like it, you have to rely your bank to have your funds available after deposit......maybe those weren't the best examples, but you get it. None of us are superman, and if you read the comics or seen the cartoon you'd know even Superman had to call in the Justice League when shit got real.
The final thing that has helped me get through some of life's turmoil is to just be open. Be open-minded, be open with yourself, and be open to others. We get older and we learn, we analyze, and we store all these things in us. We have to learn that there is no upper age that we stop growing whether it be physical or psychological. No one benefits from keeping everything inside. We can't ignore or close ourselves off to change or things that are different. That is one of the more beautiful and most enjoyable things about life is that there is so much we will encounter. So many new opinions to hear, so many lives that we come into contact with. We shouldn't see these interactions as burdens, but as an opportunity to expand and grow within ourselves. We can't be hard and stiff for the rest of our lives. Putting it into perspective, it takes a lot more work to stay in the same exact place, than it is to go with the flow and move forward. Think about it.........
~Stanz A. Lone
I took this quote from one of my favorite television series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now bare with me through this reference. Buffy is this teenager girl who is given supernatural abilities from the "Powers That Be" in order to kill demons, vampires, and the like. Buffy saves the world countless amounts of times, only to be faced with the decision of saving the world (ONCE AGAIN) by taking her own life, or let it stay in the same "Damned" place that it was currently in. She decides to take her own life to save the world but leaves a message with her sister that simply said "The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it." That quote was one of the most true ringing statements that I had ever heard.
Today has made me recall this phrase alot. We live in a world today, where you feel like no where is safe, and you feel like you can trust no one. A world where, just when you feel like you've taken 2 steps forward, your taking 5 steps back. I will be 25 years old in less than a month, and I have been going through these motions of getting older. I have been confronted with a large number of scenarios I haven't had to face before, being it social conflict, professional conflict, health, love, etc. All which have been seemingly difficult to navigate. I have no focal point of who I can base my adult actions off of. When I was child I responded to things like other children did, however that does not work in the adult world. The majority of the people I see are like aliens to me. I don't want to have any parts in any of the things their doing.
So with all that being stated, I began to wonder if there were other people out there who have issues navigating through the map of life. I felt the need to share some of my experiences in a broad sense, and maybe this may help someone else who may be enduring something that they never had to before. When it comes to conflict with other people, in my younger days, I would avoid it like the plague. I never wanted to disagree with people, and I damn sure didn't want to be dislike. However, as I grew I realized that conflict is nothing to fear. Conflict is healthy and in some instances necessary for human interaction. I am not speaking about going out and seeking conflict, but more so on the note of asserting one's self or being firm in a belief. Society would never have progressed had there not been a conflict between two or more people. Conflict is how people's voices are heard, how freedoms are received, how awards are given. There is nothing to run from when it comes to conflict.(Given that there are ways to handle different kinds of conflict) There are some people that you will run into who have nothing to lose, and they can taint conflict into what I hate which is violence. These situations need a little wisdom when addressing them. If you find that none of your words are getting through to someone, there is nothing wrong with appeasing people for the sake of saving your own life. Outside of those instances there are some important steps that need to be taken:
1. Know exactly what the conflict is about. Nothing is more embarrassing then arguing or debating with someone and you have no knowledge of the subject or situation. There is nothing wrong with not knowing are being ignorant to something, but if we find ourselves in this situation then we need to humble ourselves first and get more information.
2. Be firm in your stance. If this particular conflict is something that you feel passionate about and you have all the facts, then be firm with your statements. Let the other person know with your body language and tone of voice that you mean business. It can be scary but people will respect you for it, because you never know who may be in earshot and has never thought about the situation your way before.
3. Know when to back down. In conflicts sometimes both parties get so passionate that even when rationale is introduced to disprove one side, we can't let it go. Just as I said people will respect you for being firm, they will also respect you when you admit defeat. None of us are God, so we will not know everything, but it's what we do with that lack of knowledge that matters.
Now that I have gotten older, I realize that I tend to put too much on myself. I tend to have too many expectations and not enough results, and a lot of times this frustrates me. This happens in life, especially if you have a proactive personality like I do. There is always something to do, always somewhere to go, always someone to see. In this world, we need to be a tad bit more selfish and lax in matters of life. Take "me" time, and find out the different things that you like to do, and not always focus on the things you "have" to do. Even if it is outside of your financial means or comfort zone. Just like you would make a plan of execution for your needs, do the same for your wants. Plan a vacation, or a sky diving trip, or a cruise, or just a day of nudity around the home. Take those "self" breaks so that way when you come back to your needs you can be energized, and more readily focused on what needs to get done.
I am also the kind of person that HATES to rely on other people. I don't like planning things with other people, I don't like going places with people if I am not in control of the method of transportation, I just don't like it. Thinking this way can be harmful. At one point or another in our lives, we will have to call on someone else. Life can be overwhelming, more than just one person can handle, so we need to identify those that we can trust in our lives and really tend to those relationships. It isn't that you have ulterior motives, but in life sometimes you need a helping hand and why not have that come from someone you trust. We didn't come into this world on our own, and at the end of the day we HAVE to rely on people in some way shape or form. You have to rely on your boss to cut your check every two weeks, you have to rely on the deli to make your sandwich the way you like it, you have to rely your bank to have your funds available after deposit......maybe those weren't the best examples, but you get it. None of us are superman, and if you read the comics or seen the cartoon you'd know even Superman had to call in the Justice League when shit got real.
The final thing that has helped me get through some of life's turmoil is to just be open. Be open-minded, be open with yourself, and be open to others. We get older and we learn, we analyze, and we store all these things in us. We have to learn that there is no upper age that we stop growing whether it be physical or psychological. No one benefits from keeping everything inside. We can't ignore or close ourselves off to change or things that are different. That is one of the more beautiful and most enjoyable things about life is that there is so much we will encounter. So many new opinions to hear, so many lives that we come into contact with. We shouldn't see these interactions as burdens, but as an opportunity to expand and grow within ourselves. We can't be hard and stiff for the rest of our lives. Putting it into perspective, it takes a lot more work to stay in the same exact place, than it is to go with the flow and move forward. Think about it.........
~Stanz A. Lone
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