The Return of Stanza Lone

It has been almost 6 years since the last time I have written a blog post, but for some reason recently I have been feeling the need to write some things out that have been in my brain. My hope is that been purging these thoughts I can get back to some type of normalcy (whatever that looks like), but at this point I am open to any avenues. 

I am less than a week away from being 31, and if I am being completely honest I feel more lost going into 31 than I did going into 30. For me, 30 was the goal.....a badge of honor that I was even able to make through three decades of existence. I didn't give any thought to what that would actually me because the accomplishment was solely in reaching it. As I'm approaching 31, it is only NOW that I am starting to think about things that I want. Where my 20s were plagued with struggles about who I wanted to be, I am now faced with want will make my "happy" or comfortable. 

I have a great job that allows me to use all the degrees I've gotten, which on the professional side is AMAZING. However, personally things continue to fall short for me. My social life is fairly bland, I can really on count on one hand (a couple of fingers at that) of people that I can truly trust on count on. Even less when it comes to people who actually understand my perspective, and respect it. My relationship with my mother is the only familial relationship I have, and it is strained (on my end) at the moment, because I am realizing that often times if I don't call my mother I will not hear from my mother. That realization was a bit of a shock to my system, and I am still in a state of process around that. I am in a relationship, and we are about 5 months into it in an official capacity, but we have been dealing with each other for over a year and a half. It's very difficult! I am learning that when I am truly in love with a person I am extremely sensitive and I have also learned that vulnerability is very hard for me especially when I don't feel secure or stable. We both still have a long way to go in being where we need to be, but we are leaps and bounds from where we were.......but the process itself is painful at times, albeit worth it, often times I find myself sometimes wondering how much should I be investing, because there is this fear that all the emotions that I am giving him, he can eventually get up and walk away leaving me open and bare and unable to ever trust anyone again. 

All of that to say, this has been a trying time. I don't want to overload this post because I do want to at least want to try to write a couple more and see if they help.

Also if there are typos, that's my bad, my brain is moving 10Xs faster than my fingers, which usually makes for sloppy sentences.