Hurricane Fiasco

Today is a hard day. I have not been getting much sleep and the sleep I have been getting has not be restful to say the least. 

Long story short, my current partner has been having some internal struggles about who he wants to be and what capacities he has just as a person. I respect this type of reflection, but what has been extremely difficult about this is that I have been blocked out of the process. And by blocked I mean he has shut me out. He hasn't spoken to me (unless I reach out first), and any communication we have had has been limited to a couple of text message exchanges. 

When I called him Sunday, we talked briefly, but I made the mistake of asking him if WE were ok, and I couldn't get a straight answer. I say mistake, because with me asking that (and not getting an answer) it has spiraled me into a type anxiety I haven't experienced since my employment was on the line.

I get tired at night around 10/11 but then when I get in bed I cant sleep. I toss and turn and eventually (maybe 45-60 minutes later), I finally go to sleep, only to been woken up by vivid dreams/nightmares, and a ball in my chest like I forgot to do something important. I've been waking up at 4:30am and its literally a fight to try to get just another 20 minutes of sleep.

I've been reading a lot on what to do when a partner becomes distant, or when they deal with personal issues in silos, and the main thing that keeps coming is not to chase that person. This is so difficult for me because I am so accustomed to looking for solutions. I am being patient with his process, while also trying to hold myself in the anxious state. IT'S HARD! 

My initial reaction was to assume that he was going to break up with me, so I packed up all the stuff that he had in my place just ready for him to come get it........that's was my emotional response to my "feeling" that my feelings were hurt. With time (and a visit to my therapist), I realized that I was being selfish in my reaction and that his process around his life is not a sleight to me. 

There is a lesson in here somewhere about humility that I feel like I need to pay attention to, but my mind is just set on the thought "I hope that we are ok". I don't want the time and energy spent in development our relationship to be cast away because thoughts of worthlessness. 

I sent him a gift card to Chipotle via email just to let him know that I am thinking about him and I am there for him, but I still have this guy feeling that he just wants to call it quits (for whatever reason), and I am trying REALLY hard not to act on that feeling. I want to stick this out for as long as I can, because (as I was informed) running away from this is a bigger representation of how I handle my problems in general. When things dont work in my favor I just remove myself.....and I know thats wrong, and I know that when some is going through things they have their own way to handle stuff. 

I just wish I could be doing something, but I guess in the same way he is working and focusing on him, I should do the same. I care about him, but I can't let this situation consume me or else I'll be more devastated if things do go left. 

I have no idea why life is always so difficult around my birthday, but I really need to figure out how to avoid all this so Im not running myself ragged every year. 

The Return of Stanza Lone

It has been almost 6 years since the last time I have written a blog post, but for some reason recently I have been feeling the need to write some things out that have been in my brain. My hope is that been purging these thoughts I can get back to some type of normalcy (whatever that looks like), but at this point I am open to any avenues. 

I am less than a week away from being 31, and if I am being completely honest I feel more lost going into 31 than I did going into 30. For me, 30 was the goal.....a badge of honor that I was even able to make through three decades of existence. I didn't give any thought to what that would actually me because the accomplishment was solely in reaching it. As I'm approaching 31, it is only NOW that I am starting to think about things that I want. Where my 20s were plagued with struggles about who I wanted to be, I am now faced with want will make my "happy" or comfortable. 

I have a great job that allows me to use all the degrees I've gotten, which on the professional side is AMAZING. However, personally things continue to fall short for me. My social life is fairly bland, I can really on count on one hand (a couple of fingers at that) of people that I can truly trust on count on. Even less when it comes to people who actually understand my perspective, and respect it. My relationship with my mother is the only familial relationship I have, and it is strained (on my end) at the moment, because I am realizing that often times if I don't call my mother I will not hear from my mother. That realization was a bit of a shock to my system, and I am still in a state of process around that. I am in a relationship, and we are about 5 months into it in an official capacity, but we have been dealing with each other for over a year and a half. It's very difficult! I am learning that when I am truly in love with a person I am extremely sensitive and I have also learned that vulnerability is very hard for me especially when I don't feel secure or stable. We both still have a long way to go in being where we need to be, but we are leaps and bounds from where we were.......but the process itself is painful at times, albeit worth it, often times I find myself sometimes wondering how much should I be investing, because there is this fear that all the emotions that I am giving him, he can eventually get up and walk away leaving me open and bare and unable to ever trust anyone again. 

All of that to say, this has been a trying time. I don't want to overload this post because I do want to at least want to try to write a couple more and see if they help.

Also if there are typos, that's my bad, my brain is moving 10Xs faster than my fingers, which usually makes for sloppy sentences.